Let’s Be Real: African Women Are Out To Destroy Each Other
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It took more than a moment for me to clock what Ronke Babajide was doing —
She pledged almost $100 for my Substack I was then sleeping on. She referred writers to follow me, and the writers she recommended to me were quality. And if you are reading this publication, I took one of the better designs she sent to me to use rather than the dreadful one I started with, and oh, yes, she gave me the push to get on with starting this publication.
But hold on, this isn’t exactly about Ronke, this piece is why it took me too long to get comfortable with a woman just helping me.
I am African and in Africa, it is a commonly held belief (and not without cause), that women are women’s worst enemies.
We say often, that a man will show you pepper (mistreat you), but a woman will finish you off.
Nothing about this piece is about how I am not like other girls and it isn’t about any man ‘picking me’ — please don’t. This is about the real danger of how African women will sooner forgo sisterhood than uphold it and it isn’t about some tradition that we abide by, it is simply about individual survival.
Ladies and gentlemen, ever wondered how life is on the poorest continent on this planet? It includes but isn’t limited to indiscriminate kidnapping, rape, random killings, unrest, systems designed to take advantage of you, and every kind of wickedness and corruption — from the leaders to the citizens.
One way or the other, you are affected by the systems in your African country. This means that the line between ethics and morals can very well depend on your privilege. By this I mean, morality can be a luxury few can afford.
So the woman blatantly gunning to break apart your marriage isn’t doing it because she particularly loves your husband, or hates you, no. She really just wants the financial security she believes that being his only wife, his wife number five or his second baby mama, can afford her. It may seem personal to you but to her, usually, it is the difference between poverty and a comfortable life.
If the above paragraph wasn’t clear enough, let me break it down:
- Men/marriage are the gold standard in most of Africa. A woman is nobody until she is married with children. Patriarchy rules
- Poverty is rampant so your bread and butter above all.
- Polygamy is acceptable so any day your soulmate feels like it, he can move in on another woman. You either shut up or move out — yes, you the woman, will move out as again, patriarchy rules.
Given the information above, anyone looking in can understand how much of a man’s world Africa is. It is the reality and African men enjoy their privilege to the lees.
Any African man can cheat on you, hurt you physically, and legally groom an underage girl for marriage, and he will still have as many women as his heart desires, fighting each other to cook, clean, and pick up after him, with a “yes sir” attitude.
From birth, women are trained to be about their husbands. No degree is as important as locking down a man.
As a single woman, it is in my best interest to get a husband so both the pressure of society and my family is removed, whether I take your husband or baby-trap him, the outcome is that I am married and hopefully, have acquired financial stability.
Win-win — for me. Maybe not for a woman whose husband is involved. But this is where it gets interesting — whoever she cries to, will blame her.
“Were you working too hard? Do you cook well? Were you nagging him?”
Usually, while the other woman will want you to leave, she is equally contented just being married, popping out children, and accepting whatever the man dishes out because again — SHE IS MARRIED.
These toxic systems and dynamics aren’t only reserved for relationships and marriage. In the office space, the systems force girls to be “pick me's” as it best serves their interests. Girls compete to show their humility (choice to be used by the men in authority)better than the next girl because the system has taught us that dogs are less dispensable than women. It is the Queen Bee mindset except the Queen need not even be one step above another woman.
It serves the women to tattle on one another — “She never smiles”, says a woman. “She is a feminist,” Says another woman.
Woe betide the woman who gets pregnant. The system is in place to discard her without recourse so, except if the job is a Federal (Government) or State job, chances are that she isn’t coming back there.
The systems working against women are rooted in many cultures in Africa, especially with the acceptance of polygamy where wives accept more wives with open hands and a joyful attitude and women have no voice and whatever they say must echo their husband’s beliefs.
Whether professionally or privately, women are second-class humans and we know this too well. So, why will a woman lift another woman when their success means you are overtaken? The system wants women believing that they cannot outshine a man but other women are fair game.
If a woman is given room to succeed, other women begin to take stock — is she married? Is she submissive to her husband? Does she have children? No one asks these of men.
A financially independent man has only done what is expected while a financially independent woman must show that she isn’t a threat. A woman who isn’t a threat is submissive — to a man. And she must make clear that her husband is her lord and master. This is the best way that men are comfortable to have her on their table.
A woman who isn’t a threat to other women must prove her humility by her clear submission to her husband as well as not being too happy in her marriage or is at an obvious disadvantage in her relationship.
A successful woman who knows her worth and is vocal about her success may sooner have humility forced on her. More often than not, it comes in the form of another woman.
Who do you think often enforces the patriarchy? Women. As a child, women told me all about submission to my potential husband and how I must keep shut and take abuse because it is just how it is.
I do not believe that many African women understand how much they pander to the patriarchy as often, women cannot see their internalized misogyny at play.
As an example of this, my friend told me that I was lying to myself for “claiming that I am truly happy when I have no boy-child to continue the family name”. This would not be worth mentioning if she did not also tell me how proud she is that even if her husband decides to marry another woman, “at least, I gave him his first son and no woman can ever take that away from her”
Yep. These are really some of the most important discussions in the poorest continent on the planet.
So yes, it took me too long to clock why the saint in human form @ronke was choosing to help me — she is just a good African human helping another African human and wants her to succeed.
Ladies and gentlemen (of Africa), we need to rewrite our narrative. The default should be that women support women. The default should be that women build up other women. This is the way to right the systems. We can preach about the unfairness all day long, but actions and then — preaching it, is the way to go about it.
This is why I believe this publication matters — African women telling their truth, telling how they are choosing different from the patriarchal systems, and building up other women.
Thank you so much for reading. Please give this publication a follow and if you want to write for us, please send in a draft after reading this.
