The Dangers of Dating Men Who Do Not Prefer Me

Do Our Preferences Dictate the Passion in Our Relationships?

Disclaimer: The prose you are about to read contains strong adult language. Reader discretion is advised.

As a fat, dark brown, nappy-headed woman living in a white-washed America, I sit outside of the “beauty standards” that society so vehemently upholds. While I move through spaces where men will pursue, court, and even marry women they aren’t truly attracted to, there’s no room for me to let my guard down and trust that these men are being honest, loyal, or true to me. In fact, I’ve come to learn that their attraction is often performative, rooted in superficial desires, or driven by convenience, not passion or genuine connections.

In turn, I can never really be at ease, nor my authentic self, with these men. Just when I think I can let my hair down and be seen with them in public, they remind me that I cannot. That I am, indeed, their non-preference.

Let me be crystal clear. I love everything about myself. I’m not going to settle for a man who chooses me out of loneliness, boredom, or because the clock is ticking for him. I’m not here to be the “consolation prize.” I won’t be with a man who insults my intelligence by acting like my experiences with men and society aren’t valid, when the facts are all there, staring us in the face.