How I Would Stop Trump If I Wasn’t Enjoying This So Much

The prime evidence that I might be the only person with a (slightly delusional but) slim chance of taking down Donald Trump is that the only reason I would even try is for the pleasure of the fight and because I would find the whole thing hilarious. The utter dearth of people around me who make jokes for their own pleasure is both alarming and why no one else has made a dent, and also… ITS WHAT HE IS DOING.

Bro is not seducing the audience like some neo-Master of Mesmerism. Bro IS the audience. HES ENTERTAINING HIMSELF. Everybody is like, Why is he doing this? Bec he was bored y’all. And you have proven to be the best show he’s seen in YEARS, so who can blame him? Yes: Donald is smarter than you. Like, significantly so. He knew it, you didn’t, and all we have to do now to move on is for you to admit it, which is of course not going to happen, because two things white liberals and rednecks do NOT do are

1) admit someone else is smarter and

B) laugh at themselves.

But please stop proving his superiority to him with your applause and outrage. You’re embarrassing everyone and making it worse. Grampy’s just having fun with you, America.

The thing is, that’s not even how I would take him down. I’m having a LOT of fun in my own life right now, so I’m not changing course, but here’s how I would do it: I’d have more fun than him. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh and see if I could make the heads of the same people who either love him or hate him explode. But I do love watching this circus y’all. Seriously, grab some popcorn.

THING I WOULD DO FOR FUN IN MY CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE DONALD

• Gaming. I would interview supporters of Trump who also love his casinos about how it’s the Mexicans who are the problem, and whether or not they think blackjack or Trump is a better investment. FUN TIMEZ
• - Women. I would interview white liberal women who hate the Donald about ineffective mates and ask them how they think the Donald would treat them vs their current or past mates in a variety of situations. I would then interview conservative women about whether or not they find him attractive, and why. I feel like any way this part goes I would enjoy it.
• - Abortion. I would create a group advocating an end to the abortion debate via a 3/5 clause being added to the Constitution, declaring human value to be a sliding scale with conception on the low end and asking people to help us figure out who is at the top, and whether or not it’s Hillary Clinton. HILARIOUS.
• - ISIS and the Religious Right. I would simply host a meeting with the Religious right and any ISIS supporters or fundamentalist clergy who would like to attend to discuss restoring traditional marriage. Only heterosexual religious males and the women who love and serve and slightly fear them may attend.
• - Gun rights. And race relations. I would issue free guns to any black people who attend a Trump rally. No background checks. Strut your colors. Then I’d blast NWA non-stop.
• - Partisanship. I would ask Donald to join me in calling any public figure who blames the other party for the world’s problems an incompetent coward. Bec that is true.
• - When I finally wanted to end him: I would interview the person — just jokes and psychoanalysis on a stage — who could end his campaign tomorrow if he WASNT IN ON IT: William Jefferson Clinton, y’all. The Master.

And this is just what I could think of with my morning coffee. All of this of course I would do at his public appearances, because you don’t beat Donald: you UPSTAGE HIM. Everybody else is playing politics, and he’s playing Entertainer.

PS Does anybody remember Bob Roberts? This was Tim Robbins in a solid film and a brilliant little performance of a decent script of the post-Reagan left-wing (delusional) fantasy that the source of conservative fascism would be masters of seduction who would recruit fools (read: poor people) into cult worship.

It was an utter absurdity — Bob Roberts didn’t even come close to being as seductive or cruel as a JFK — but it depicted Trump’s recent SNL appearance twenty years before the fact. It also shows that your standard issue Tim Robbins-style liberal is about twice as dumb as they they think they are smart, and that their bias against the mentality and values of working class whites is as deeply embedded as their covert racism.