Every Ride Home from School with My Four Year Old
a masterclass in redirection
ME: How was school today?
HIM: Hurry!
ME: Why are we hurrying?
HIM: I want to leave before Lizzy!
ME: Ok, well hang on. I need to put–
HIM: Goooooo.
ME: I’m putting your seatbelt on. Hang on.
HIM: They’re leaving!
ME: Ah, bummer.
HIM: Aw, I wanted to be first!
ME: Do you want your snack?
HIM: I wanted to be first.
ME: Snack?
HIM: Granola bar, please.
ME: Thank you for asking nicely.
HIM: James didn’t say please.
ME: He didn’t?
HIM: No. At lunchtime… At lunchtime…
ME: Uh huh.
HIM: At lunchtime he didn’t say please.
ME: Hm. That’s not very polite.
HIM: Yeah. Teacher Taylor said, “Say please.”
ME: That’s good.
HIM: I need water!
ME: What do we say?
HIM: Huh?
ME: When we want something, what do we say?
HIM: I’m thirsty.
ME: No, I know that. How do we ask nicely?
HIM: Oh, please.
ME: Thank you for asking nicely.
HIM: Why are we going this way?
ME: What do you mean? This is the way home. We go this way every day.
HIM: But why are they turning?
ME: Because they probably live that way.
HIM: Why do they live that way?
ME: That’s where their house is.
HIM: Why isn’t our house there?
ME: Because we live on our street.
HIM: Ugh! We live so far away.
ME: We really don’t. It’s less than a mile from school.
HIM: It takes forever.
ME: There’s just a little traffic.
HIM: Why is there traffic?
ME: People are leaving work. They’re going home for dinner.
HIM: Why is their work over when we’re trying to go home?
ME: Everyone kind of gets done working at the same time. Then they drive home.
HIM: You don’t drive home from work.
ME: Nope. But different people work in different places.
HIM: How come?
ME: Because people have different jobs. Some people work at the donut shop. Some people work at the hospital. Some pe–
HIM: Sick people go to the hospital!
ME: That’s right.
HIM: Vivian has a runny nose. She’s sick. She needs to go to the hospital.
ME: Well, no. You have to be really sick to go to the hospital.
HIM: What’s really sick?
ME: Uh, it’s hard to describe.
HIM: Was mommy really sick when she went to the hospital?
ME: What? No. That was when your sister was born. People go to the hospital to have babies, too.
HIM: I got to stay with MeMa and Pop Pop!
ME: That was fun, wasn’t it?
HIM: I watched Cars 2 and Cars 3.
ME: Those are good mov–
HIM: WHAT IS THAT?
ME: Uh, I think it was a squirrel.
HIM: Is it dead?
ME: I think so. Someone must have accidentally hit it with their car.
HIM: Yuck.
ME: Yeah, yuck is right.
HIM: Why?
ME: Why what?
HIM: Why is it yuck?
ME: Because it’s dead? You’re the one who said ‘yuck’ first.
HIM: Why did it die?
ME: I think someone hit it with their car.
HIM: That’s why we look before crossing the street!
ME: That’s right!
HIM: So no cars will squish us and kill us.
ME: Uh … that’s right.
HIM: Do people die?
ME: Uh.
HIM: When cars hit them?
ME: Oh. Yeah, sometimes.
HIM: Why?
ME: I… I don’t know how to answer that.
HIM: Why?
ME: Because it’s complicated.
HIM: Why is it complicated?
ME: Because sometimes it’s just a little bonk, and the person is okay. But we don’t have to worry about that because we always look before we cross the street, right?
HIM: I know.
ME: Did you work on your letters today at school?
HIM: … Will you die before me?
ME: I know! let’s find a song to listen to.
HIM: Dad, I asked you something.
ME: It’s not really something we need to worry about.
HIM: Why?
ME: Because it won’t be for a really, really long time.
HIM: But you’ll die first?
ME: I mean, we’ll both be really, really old before that happens. But yeah, I’ll die first.
HIM: Aw.
ME: I know, it’s a sad thing to think ab–
HIM: I WANTED TO BE FIRST!
ME: Ohmygod
HIM: What’d you say?
ME: Nothing.
HIM: What. Did. You. Say?
ME: I said, “I wonder what we’re having for dinner tonight.”
HIM: I want chicken nuggets!
ME: Yeah!
HIM:
ME:
HIM:
ME:
HIM: Will I die before mommy?
ME: Look! Garbage truck!
HIM: Yayyyyy!
ME: Oh wow! Watch it smash all that trash!
HIM: Yeah! Smash it!
ME: Oh, and look who’s in the front yard!
HIM: Mommy! Let me out!
ME: I have to park. Hang on.
HIM: I want to see mommy!
ME: Let me shut the car off.
HIM: Hurry!
ME: Here, let me unbuckle you. Okay, go see mommy!
HIM: Mommy!
MOM: Welcome home! How was sch —
HIM: WHO IS GOING TO DIE FIRST YOU OR ME?!?
