May, 15th 2017 — A difficult day

This article is part of the series “What is like to attempt suicide and fail”. Start there, if you have not read it yet.

Angela Hayes: I do not think that’s anything worse than being ordinary.

Today was by far my worst day in the last 38. I tried to work. I did not make it. I spent a few hours in the office and went out trying to hold the cry, only to burst into tears in the middle of the street.

I came home. I cried more. I tried to work some more. I did not make it. I just trembled. I’ve been shaking for a long time. But today it was on a rare, disabling scale. I hid in my bed, under the blankets, in the middle of the afternoon. And here I am until now.

Jónsi entered today in my Spotify’s Discovery Weekly playlist. Ah, life.

I’ll try to eat and take my meds, especially the sedative. The one with the power to end the day. At least this one, so full of afflictions.

I’m still waiting for the taste of existence to come back. For now, only tremors and bad memories.

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