What is like to attempt suicide and fail
On April, 7th, 2017 I tried to kill myself. Obviously, I have failed. I am writing this introduction as well as the following pieces from the psychiatric clinic to where I was sent by my family, following doctor’s advice, right after the incident.
So, why am I writing about my failed suicide attempt and the days that followed?
- It helps me to understand what happend. Believe it or not, suicide is a misterious monster even for those who face it. I know it because I did and at this very moment I am surrounded by some people who did it too. Recollecting facts and following-up with the story helps me to make sense of it. Hopefully, it will serve myself and others in difficult times.
- It helps me to deal with the pain. Yes, the same pain that eventually made me take such drastic move. She is still here. Lingering around. Although I am far from learning how to domesticate this feeling, I’ve been told by experts that suppressing it (my default) is not the right move.
- It keeps people who care about me informed. It keeps everyone informed, really. But those who care, I am sure, will read each and every word. It’s a way of staying close to them and, if they want, to keep them close to me.
- Its a way of documenting a decisive moments of my life. I am terrible at keeping track of my own history. A second shot at life seems like a good reason to start changing that.
- Sharing helps me to feel like I am not alone. Because, boy, do I feel alone? You bet. This is the most painful, lonely journey of my life. I feel like crying all they long. I am actually crying most of my day. This sucks. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’ve received support from a few corners of the world. True friends who shared a lot of love that I don’t deserve now or ever. To all of you, thank you so much. You have no idea what your words and generosity mean to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- At the clinic I am staying, it’s either writing or working on nonsensical activities, like painting a piece of cloth or dancing to the tune of silly songs. I will stick with writing, thank you very much. I am going mad at this place. Going mad is not my goal. I am sure places like this help a lot of people (and I am witnessing it first hand). To me, though, it’s equivalent to torture. I am not so sure why people though this would be a good idea. My emotional health is deteriorating by the second. Unless this is punishment. In that case, great pick! It’s working wonders.
- Have I mentioned this clinic thing is killing me? Writing is my way of screaming it.
Tomorrow I will publish “April 7th 2017”.
I have two almost-dial-up-hours of Internet a day. Eventually the story will catch up with the diary I am publishing.
If you want to talk to me, please write at firstname.lastname@example.org
The story cobtinues here: