I’m a contradiction

Take 2: I am a gentle by- the- ocean breeze and a ravenous storm.

The castle is a large part of who I am but also; not really.

I am a gentle soul, I care more than I should and partake of the pain of the people closest to me; taking on more than my fair share. I give the parts of me that they need the most forgetting I need those too.
I’m crazy, obnoxious and I run down everything along my path. I also have the strength of 10,000 army men and in my world, everything thing is possible. I want to learn how to fight. I legit want to learn how to kick stupid people’s ass. I also want to learn how to bike. I know that fear is only a product of our mind. Fear only holds us back from all the awesome stuff. Or potential death. Again, product of the mind.

I get excited over the little things and I celebrate all my miniature successes. I literally throw myself parties.

Go big or go home.

Sometimes it’s the fact that I successfully and without fuss, got my lazy ass out of bed in the morning. That’s usually something worth celebrating on more mornings than I care to admit.

I celebrate St. Patrick’s day and I have a somewhat maniac obsession for Irish blessings. Long live Ireland. 
On that note —

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.

I also celebrate a half birthday that I half invented so that I can get gifts before my actual birthday is due. Thank you Liza Sperling for always remembering. Big up yourself, lol (my new favorite phrase, don’t judge me).
Someone important once said “celebrate the small things, these will get you through the tougher times”. Lets just say, I took this words of wisdom a little too seriously. But only because I truly believe it true.

Movies make me cry, Mr. Church, was the worst (read amazing) I cried so much it was embarrassing and I couldn’t get over it for days. 
I cry when other people are extremely happy, I sponge on their happiness so much so that it makes me cry on their behalf. Unfortunately the sponge effect also works in the reverse.
I don’t cry when I’m happy though, just too busy being happy to start crying.

I smile when I think of something nice. If you ask me what I’m smiling about I’ll probably kindly ask you to find your own happy thought :)Some days are so dark I can’t think of anything nice.
I want to be a mum some day. I particularly have to choose this thought more often than other people do (I think). Someone said it is selfish to not want children and gave a pretty impressive explanation for his sentiments. I can’t remember what it was about — the explanation, not even vaguely. I remember that I was convinced and that is good enough; I trust myself. For the sake of impactfulness however, I have always attached a good enough (personal) why- reason for this choice and it gets me over the days I’m clouded with doubt. Other days I simply allow myself to not want kids. Nothing wrong with a little self indulgence.

I write when I’m anxious. Almost always. I listen to Marconi Union’s Weightless to reduce my anxiety (listening now). Study shows it works with a remarkable 65% reduction rate. Pretty impressive, ey? I like to believe my belief that it works makes it work. Besides my therapy sessions with my music player I regularly have to check in with myself because if I don’t I will spazz.
I love music. I hate to dance. I can’t dance. I love to work on diy projects. I would love to travel the world. I feel that a piece of me is out there in the world waiting to be discovered.

I don’t care for social cues, in fact I think I miss very close to all of them. I am terrible at phone conversations. I don’t know how to talk about nothing for hours on end. The thought of it makes me nervous.

I also have a heart; it is beautiful and gentle and kind. It has seen me through the toughest of days and has always remained strong. My heart can also be fussy and obnoxious sometimes but I know it always means well.

I am the least expressive person I know and my baby steps to discovering how to be vulnerable and let myself be seen and heard gives my heart so much joy. Check out my interview here. I also would like to shout out Joel Mwakasege of Be Yourself publication for being such a kind soul.

May the sun always shine on your windowpane.

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