“Oh no,” the two words choked out of my throat when I noticed a red gash on my right leg.
“Oh no,” I said when my adrenaline from the bike accident started fading and the pain kicked in.
“Oh no,” were my last two words before a sense of extreme paranoia dawned upon me.
I could feel. I could feel the pain so much that it made me question the very existence of God, love, or any other force of nature that can make one feel things one has never felt before.
As any wise man would, I decided to reach out for my phone and google the texture and color of my wound. I wanted answers. I needed to know if I was going to be okay.
And so I limped across the room, grabbed my phone, and hit search.
Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. “Everythingiscancer.com.” Click.
Red is bad. Medical emergency. “Oh no.”
Meanwhile, in the back of my head, I started channeling my inner Marcus Aurelius. “You have power over your mind — not outside events,” I told myself. “Realize this, and you will find strength.”
While I went back and forth between the positives and negatives, my shock wore off and I convinced myself I’m fine. At the same time, I realized that my sense of paranoia will stay like an unwelcomed guest unless I talk to an expert.
I’ve found writing to be the same.
It’s like that little gash on my leg, which I knew would be fine; sooner or later. Yet, for the peace of my mind, I need to know if it’ll be worth it. I need reassurance. That too, from the experts.
I have all the resources. I have the skills. And my drafts are brimming with endless ideas. Publishable Applicable Ideas. But despite having “the answer” — or rather “answers” — I crave reassurance like a junkie.
Uncertainty is a b**ch, indeed.
But after dealing with this uncertainty for over a year now, I’ve learned that getting feedback from someone is cool. But expert advice isn't needed all the time.
I know. I know. No one wants to waste time on something that’s not worth it. That’s one big reason why I’m still a bit iffy about my decision to write online. But investing too much time and money on advice isn't good either. Because most of those so-called experts will only tell you things you already know.
As long as you are writing, you are a writer. Views and followers don’t matter that much. Really.
P.S: That accident happened three years ago when I wasn’t even a writer. Funny how in hindsight, things make more sense.