but didn’t we
a story of thoughts
How we assume things about another, and we so wanna be right, to sooth ourselves in this little twisted world of ours. Wasn’t it supposed to be more beautiful that this? — than all the concepts we decided to agree on, and the ones we don’t, and aren’t all men born from a woman, and don’t we hold them?
I wonder sometimes how it all came into place and how not knowing oneself seems to be one of the hardest things in life. But I do believe that the universe will wake up to itself when it’s ready. That we will find the face we had before the earth was made.
This was a while ago. Landed in LAX and waited on a bunch of strangers for five solid hours. didn’t even know what they looked like. It all came together in a strange fashion really, where I just was too stubborn to back down or maybe too excited to go and drift on my own, without him looking over my shoulder — without fearing a constant hurt — and yet I wouldn’t have been aware of any of it then.
I got myself something to drink and tried to soak in the California feel everyone had been talking about. It always seemed too big for a person like me. Too artificial and cruel in a way.
I remember the sundown approaching the city — like a wild woman. What a beautiful face she had. You know it was that kind of beauty, that kind that is just too big for anyone to hold. It would have slipped right through your fingers if you tried. Nighttime hit us face on, windy streets guiding us. Windows down — how lovely the air tasted. Moonlight dripping from her fingertips — and there she was again.
How months later I would meet you. A man of many shapes and forms, of ways to get away from you. How I felt like the only sane one in this sea of drunken people, drunk on their identity, playing their egos like card games. How in the shadow of those people I thought I would feel a little stronger, a little more important.
You told me I was good at this, at not having a home but being one. Walking into your mum’s kitchen, where it felt so soft and warm and the light was dim and the music on, I forgot. What an angel I got to meet through loving you.
Where do things go when you stop believing in them?
How you said you will get back to me and I am still waiting. How you said I should get in touch in the near future and I am still wondering what that could have meant.
