How the predictable is healing me
My marriage ended. My precious volunteering sabbatical did not go as planned. After conscious intentions and planning, I find myself right where I was a few months back when I started a transformation journey in an Indian village. That hurt.
Being adventurous, charting my own way, listening to my inner voice — did NOT heal me. Just this once, I needed something else. Something more predictable.
My friends, though well meaning, are unable to truly empathize. They would rather hop around in lightness, while I would sit in front of a candle and mull over what the F happened.
If you had asked me what my life would look like at 33, I never did have a plan, but I did not anticipate it looking quite this way.
So, I decided to start cooking.
When everything is spiraling out of my control. When an input of 100% did not result in an outcome of 100%, when clear and pure-hearted intentions did not lead to pure results — I decided to hire someone to tell me what to do. I needed instructions. A guide. Steps. Cue in, cooking guides on YouTube!
I am not a Master Chef by any stretch of the imagination, but when I am cooking, I am in control. I know the ingredients that go in the dish, the order in which they are assembled and the culmination of flavor. In the kitchen, more often than not, an input of 100% will lead to an outcome of 100%. So, I choose my kitchen for my healing.
Grieving the loss of a marriage is a very personal experience and everyone manages the emotions in their own personal way. If you find yourself turning to something that makes you feel safe, in control, valued — lean into that. There are many things going wrong in the world and we can see the effects around us. There are some things, like a broken heart and dreams unlived, that leave internal wounds. For a brighter and healthier life, tending to those wounds is as important as you would to a bleeding cut.
Choose the predictable if that helps you feel that for once, for a little bit, you are in control of your life.
