Learning How to Listen Like a Therapist
As I am learning to be a therapist, I’m often confronted with the question, “What secrets have you learned to read people?” And I pause, unsure of how to respond to a question like this. It makes me feel as if I have a superpower that allows me to understand the strangers that sit in front of me. But the reality is, there is no superpower and the most essential technique I am working on sounds a whole lot simpler than it is. I respond to that question with, “I’ve just been learning how to listen.” So I’ve taken what I’ve been taught about active listening and broken it down for use outside the therapist’s office.
Non-Judgmental Questioning
This first step plays a significant role in allowing the individual in front of you to feel heard. A friend could come with something they have been holding in for a while, and your first reaction or response could determine how much is said. Avoiding questions like “Why would you do that?” generally can be a good starting point. As common as it can be to ask “Why?”, the tone we can carry with that word can make it sound offputting. Simply changing those questions to something like, “What was that like for you?” not only eliminates the judgment but invites the friend to continue.
Reflections
Reflections act as a confirmation that both of us are on the same page with the story being told. When we reflect, we not only want to state the content but also the feelings. If the story sounded sad from the individual, saying that emotion you hear brings a sense of empathy into the conversation. And if you get the emotion wrong, it’s ok, because it will be clarified by the individual and they‘ll appreciate you for acknowledging their feelings. On top of all this, I’ve found reflections to stop quick interpretations because it forces us (the listeners) to bring clarity to the story.
Meanings
This can be the most challenging step in listening and one that I continue to work on both as a therapist in training and just as a friend or family member. So when a friend or family member gives a story, remind yourself that certain things have different meanings to people and that’s OK. Asking what those meanings are not only can help bring a sense of respect but a shift from your perspective to theirs.
Active listening is the hallmark of building a healthy relationship. Where we get caught up can be in the nuances, such as the judgments or quick interpretations. When someone tells a story, we rush to get a word in, but that’s not really listening, and it’s no wonder why people ask me the question that started this article. My training made me recognize not only the importance of feeling heard and understood, but the patience it would take from me to allow the other person to feel that way.
