I Don’t Like Surprises
My experience taught me giving can be deceiving.
when I told you I don’t like surprises
what I meant was I don’t like handing my fate to someone else’s
when someone hands me a glass of happiness
I take out my magnifying glass
and examine it from every possible angle
is it new?
is it used?
is it broken?
is it real?
how much does it cost?
my body froze at how much you were willing to give
I didn’t deserve any of it
my experience taught me
giving can be deceiving
I used to neglect myself to give
to the point I’d have nothing left
I’d feel most fulfilled
when he gave me breadcrumbs
to keep me fed
when you asked for nothing in return
I wasn’t sure if that was true
none of us should be in relationships
where giving is all we do
when you handed me your happiness
all I wanna do was throw it across the room
I wanna see if it’d stay intact
or evaporate into the air
or break into glass pieces
maybe one day I’ll believe it
that this happiness was real
its colors bright and unapologetic
like the way you wear your heart on your sleeves
but until then, I’ll wear my grey-tinted glasses
keep me and my heart at a distance
hold on to my grief, until I’m no longer a captive.
