Making it personal
An after-dinner discussion with my extended family drifted to Louis CK and the other men implicated in incidents of sexual abuse and misconduct. I took a somewhat obtuse stance that I bucket all these men together, while the guys in the room argued that was not fair. They argued that while Bill Cosby drugged women before raping them, Louis CK announced before he began masturbating and the women in the room were free to leave, which is why Bill Cosby is in jail, and Louis CK is not. They said that Louis CK had his shows cancelled, gave a genuine apology for his actions and has paid his dues. They thought that it was cool that he was doing a comeback tour, and that it wasn’t fair to judge people who went to attend his shows, it was their choice.
I got impassioned enough at this point to ask, “If my boss decides to masturbate in our weekly 1:1..”, when I got shouted down, “DO NOT MAKE IT PERSONAL! DO NOT MAKE IT PERSONAL! THIS IS A DEBATE!”
I reluctantly switched gears and the debate went on to some conclusion, but I have been mulling the construct of the modern intellectual debate ever since.
The ability to keep your arguments logical, intellectual and impersonal has always been prized and rewarded on debate stages. But think about the privilege it takes to be impersonal in a debate. Think about the complete lack of empathy we display for the people this is actually personal for.
To me, therein lies the way to move our society forward. Empathy. Imagine yourself or your loved one in the situation you are debating. You are cool with defending Louis CK, but you are so horrified at the prospect of your dear one facing similar abuse that you won’t even let her complete the sentence. Now transfer that horror to the real victims and see if you still want to sympathize with his comeback.
Repeat when you have the transgender bathroom debate, instead of imagining your daughter in the bathroom with a male predator who is masquerading as transgender, imagine your daughter being the one transitioning, and being forced to use the men’s restroom at the risk of ridicule and abuse.
Repeat when you discuss immigrants, poverty, homelessness, refugees and climate change.
But this is just an evening debate at home, it doesn’t matter, nothing is going to change, you respond.
But it does matter.
Our discussions, our opinions shape our society, shape our worldview- a society in which Louis CK is not able to sell any tickets to his comeback tour. And when we become that society, we tell women that they matter, their voices matter.
We HAVE to make it personal; the alternative just doesn’t cut it anymore.
