On Becoming the Love of My Life
Learning to love me wasn’t easy. In fact, I’m far from done.
I always felt too tall, too boyish, and too plain. I still remember the feeling when I first liked what I saw in the mirror. Making this my constant for every part of me has been my goal ever since.
But let me tell you about what I learned.
I learned to love my scars, those I can see and the ones that no one can. Some have great stories like when I was run over by a bicycle when I was only two. Others are more mundane, like the time I dared to use oil and almost fried my neck instead.
I learned to love my not curly, not straight, not wavy hair. The one that sometimes would drive me to madness and I would attack with chemicals to make it “presentable.” Sometimes it’s easier to love it, sometimes I just want to cut it.
I learned to love my height, despite the Godzilla nickname a boy named Oscar once called me by. I learned to love my eyes in their unremarkable brownness.
I learned to love my skin, which comes with bumps and lacks that distinct softness I tend to look for in other bodies. Now in just one other body.
Most days I love my fat, where my energy is stored and which makes things more comfortable. I rub my small belly with love and I wiggle my buns. I learned to love my thighs, which chafe each other on warm days. I love my lovely cheeks, which I hope will make me look youthful in the future.
Other days, I seem to have forgotten everything I learned. I’ll pick apart the grams I dared to eat and go over the sweets I had the audacity of enjoying. Even when I know I didn’t “sin”, I might still go over everything with a huge lens. On glorious days, I’ll just surrender to sugar and its magic, and allow myself to be the sinner I was born to be.
I’ve learned to love the sleepless nights, with interrupted dreams in which my boss keeps complaining. I’ve learned to love the night sweats of the summer and my contrarian cold feet, which never seem to warm up.
I learned to love how big my feet are too. They’ve led me on long trips looking for the perfect shoes to cover them and protect them. I’m still learning to love the swimsuit purchase, though, which is a daunting prospect every other year.
I learned to love my mind, which goes a thousand miles an hour until it exhausts me. I learned to love my wit, which makes those I love crack a smile. I learned to love my brain, which has led me here, with these words today.
And now I can love you, and every day, I learn.
