To be a star

Would you rather be a star in a mediocre show, or play a small role in a great one?

I asked my husband this question and he looked at me quizzically, and began to list the pros and cons to each choice. I repeated my question, what would he rather do? And he grew quiet again, and had no answer for me.

What would I do in that hypothetical scenario, well, I could not answer it either. I sat with it for a bit, and my heart suddenly sank as I realized that I had answered the question with so many of my life choices.

I had fond hopes of becoming a doctor which I ditched in high school when I found biology challenging and many classmates drawing bugs and frogs better than me. I decided to pursue physics instead, hoping to be a rock-star scientist whose invention would change the world. In the company of brilliant physicists in college, I saw I would never be as good, and I switched to engineering in Graduate school. The cycle of downgrading my ambition so I could be the star at some show, any show, continued and finally has brought me to an engineering job that is so mundane that I have no motivation to put in the work to shine in it.

Regret sank me deep into the couch cushions as I just sat there thinking about all of the things I did not do because I could not see myself doing great at it.

Pursuit of stardom feels like an exercise in vanity, but maybe it is just a reaction to the fear of failure and rejection. I have been so scared to fail, that I have repeatedly chosen the safe landing spot, where I can shine without being challenged beyond my abilities. In that fear, I avoided the challenge that is supposed to make you grow and blossom.

All of this began with a little writing prompt. I have been writing and blogging forever, taken a few writing classes, but I have resisted publishing my work because there are much better writers out there, why would anyone read my article or buy my book? Maybe I should write anyway.

Maybe I should try exercising anyway.

Maybe I should start a nonprofit anyway.

Maybe I should try to bake anyway.

Maybe I will.