We Know What’s Best
Parenting Advice From an Ex-Child
I was cleaning out some old files and found myself perusing school report cards. Oh, what a trip down memory lane that was. I wished for a moment that I could be that carefree, worry-free kid again. I also recalled some lessons I learned, to be practised as a parent or teacher. Neither of which I currently am, both I wish to someday become.
As a child, studying was sacrosanct, the most important of activities. Nothing could be more vital than getting good grades. Not unlike quite a few children of that age, I was disinclined to follow through on that activity. And like all children, I had a powerful tool at my disposal that may have resulted in premature baldness in many adults. That tool was the question, ‘why’. I now use this often in my work quite effectively, no doubt causing much annoyance.
Why do I need to study? To get good grades. Why? To get a well-paying job. Why? For safety and security. Why? We’re your parents, and we know what’s best for you. Why? Because!
It is the simplest of tools to drive anyone a bit nutty. Don’t try this on a non-family member with a gun.
The lesson for us is that we forget how we were as children.
Children are smarter than you think and understand more than you assume. It is not a lack of intelligence, but experience, that makes the difference. As a parent, it is your responsibility to teach children to learn a new perspective, not enforce yours on them. That makes the answer ‘we know what’s best’ one of the most worthless responses a child can get from someone they look up to.
My teachers had developed a similar habit. The comments section of each report card always ended with the words, ‘can do better’.
Can do better? Is there anyone anywhere that cannot do better? How many middle-graders do you know at the pinnacle of perfection that they need not do better? How is this a constructive comment? How is this anything but a cop-out?
Granted, none of this may be applicable anymore. At least, I hope it isn’t. Two decades ago, I received my schooling crammed into a class with sixty other intractable kids. Coming up with constructive suggestions for improvements for each one of us, each quarter of each year for a decade would be no mean feat. But that is the job they signed on for. Unlike a parent, you cannot become a teacher by accident.
Some day, I may find myself ready to pull my hair out in frustration, seeking solace and sanity in vague, flimsy responses to a curious child’s challenge. This story will be another reminder not to do so.
And perhaps parents and teachers amongst you may remember this story anytime you are tempted to say, we know what’s best, or you can do better. Force yourself to think differently and push that ultimate frustration one more ‘why’ ahead, for the sake of your children and students.
Why? Because they can always do better. And so can you.
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