Why It’s Hard To Seek Therapy
And How Understanding Our Internal Battles Help Us Get There
Cold sweats, bloating, and a terribly hunched-over posture are the main things I remember from my first session. “How do I begin?” I thought as my therapist asked my reason for being there. My mind flooded with every reason I needed therapy, and I landed on the perfect one. “I think I had a heart attack; I don’t think I should be here.”
Denial that I have a mental health problem. What a lovely way to get crucial therapeutic work started! The first words out of my mouth, albeit not the most helpful, parallel an idea articulated by a psychologist named David Malan in 1979. The scenario that played out in my experience is an example of something he called the Triangle of Conflict. And though it might sound strange, this triangle gives a foray into our psyche.
Our Feelings
The first stop on this triangle is titled “Feelings/Wishes/Needs.” It is quite literally our hidden feelings, wishes, and needs we have and bring to therapy. In my scenario, it was the shame, sadness, and overwhelming pressure I carried to my therapist. I should have said, “I feel depressed because I am letting people down.” Yet, I wasn’t exactly aware of all these feelings, and I pushed them away in the very space they belonged in.
Our Anxiety
The next corner of the triangle is “Anxiety.” Anxiety directly interplays with my hidden feelings. My cold sweats, bloating, and rough posture illustrate I was anxious to be there. Often the most challenging part of going to therapy is taking the first step. Meeting a stranger and unloading our hidden feelings, wishes, and needs leaves us in an incredibly vulnerable place. Becoming vulnerable takes a great deal of trust in the therapeutic relationship, which, in my instance, had yet to form.
Our Defense
The third corner of the triangle is called “Defenses.” Defenses describe the guardedness we exhibit over our vulnerability. It’s not a bad thing necessarily, often it helps us cope within, but in terms of therapy, it can create a speed-bump. In my situation, I denied a mental health problem existed with my response to the therapist. It was more comfortable for me to defend against my truths than say them outright. Other defenses that people could exhibit include minimizing, changing the subject, or outright ignoring. These defenses can interact with the anxiety corner, making it more challenging to uncover our underlying feelings with a therapist.
Social media likes to flood people about the benefits of therapy, but those posts never highlight how difficult it is to take the first step and achieve progress. Malan’s Triangle of Conflict helps piece together why it can be challenging to enter treatment and maintain its progress because of these internal battles we face. As someone who has been to therapy and conducted therapy, I recognize it takes a lot of bravery to take that initial step, and if you’re anything like me, understanding this internal struggle might help you get there.
References
Malan, D., & Parker, L. (1995). Individual psychotherapy and the science of psychodynamics. CRC Press.
