Writing for my own pleasure
and ignoring the need to make money.
Recently I’ve enrolled in the Medium Partner Program. I thought when I write stuff why not get paid for it?
Well, as it turns out, there was a nasty side effect to monetizing my stories.
After some desperate attempts to write an “amazing” post, I was starring at the screen and asked myself why the fuck I am doing this? Why do I put myself through this struggle, when I don’t need to? Why do I need to get paid for what I love doing when I already have a job which feels more than a dream to me (I’m a UI/UX Designer btw and it’s just too cool to be true)?
No reason whatsoever could bring me the peace I needed to write something beautiful. It was all poisoned by the filthy greed which resides silently in the back of my mind.
Let’s be honest. We all want more than we already have. We all want that one little thing we can’t get. Why?
Because for us it seems this makes our life valuable, better or more satisfying.
But this utterly bullshit! No one needs a fucking trophy to be happy. It’s all in our minds.
Why am I so sure? Damn, I lived that shit for years!
Every time I thought “Ok, this is it! This will bring greatness to my life”, I drained myself from the very essence which is greatness for me…creativity.
This happened with all my endeavors. After some time of creating amazing art/content/ideas the little golem inside me whispered “My precious!” and so I fell headfirst into a rabbit hole which was very hard to escape from.
And now I am sitting here again, writing about my misery hoping to get any sense out of what makes my life meaningful or at least enjoyable.
Damn fuck it! I hate it! I hate to do something for the sole purpose of making money. It’s like a rotten core dooming everything which gets in its way.
Don’t get me wrong! Making money is vital and somewhat important, but not when you don’t enjoy the work anymore.
In my present job, I don’t need to worry if I get paid…thankfully my bosses do this and they are great at this!
This shifting of responsibilities allows me to embrace the skills I have and to use my creativity to its fullest without needing to think about money.
With Medium, I don’t have this luxury. It’s like a battlefield here and no one really knows how to be the general.
So what do I do? I don’t know. Probably keep writing, probably having my weekly existential crises or maybe something completely different (or maybe both).
I leave it like this for you to decide.
