The Lost Art of Home Visitation Etiquette

On being mystified by what even strangers feel free to say

Once upon a time, it was considered good and common practice to a) keep a clean home, and b) for visitors to appreciate said. This was certainly the case when I lived in California, where this was indeed the norm.

However, when I moved to Idaho something shifted. Visitors, including complete strangers, felt both compelled and in a glib manner to comment on the clean state of my home and/or offices. I even had the owner of a local Italian restaurant make a point of it. I never responded with any snarky comeback. And I decided this behavior must be an Idaho anomoly.

Well, I moved to Texas. In the process of updating the new house, we had a vendor come by to evaluate our roof for a repair estimate. Here again, a complete stranger went out of his way to comment on the clean state of our home. Some random guy — who, by the way, was seeking our business — thought it perfectly OK to insult the prospect. In fact, he went out of his way to tell me a story about some relative whom he felt had an unhealthy need to clean, a need bordering on some type of mental illness. I was gobsmacked.

Two years later, it pains me to report that this open-mouth-insert-foot policy is not singular to Idaho.

Good Manners

Here’s the thing, of all the many times I have visited other people’s homes I have always appreciated two things. First and foremost, I am a guest in their home. Second, it is not for me to judge how they choose to live in their own home. Most certainly, it is never my place to openly comment on how they live in their home — unless it is to give compliments as inspired to do so.

Wait For It

Being the polite person I like to believe I am, I chose to let these misguided utterances go unacknowledged. Time and time again.

Until now. When Joe Blow the roofer took it upon himself to speak out of hand, I’d had it. So, as I walked him out to his truck I segued from the discussion about our roof to the clean home topic. I basically told him that if someone tells me they take issue with a clean home, it always makes me wonder what kind of disaster zone they themselves live in.

The Consequences of What You Say

Likewise, you can probably imagine the concerns that went though my head when that restaurant owner made a similar comment as he and his wife were leaving our home after we hosted them for dinner.

My husband and I never returned to the Italian restaurant, even though the owners reached out to us a number of times thereafter.

They were completely oblivious to the fact:

• They’d flatout insulted us and our home
• They’d made us question the cleanliness/hygiene of their restaurant

The Moral of the Story

Don’t blurt out your thoughts just because they come to you. You might want to consider the consequences of what you’re about to say, first. You might want to consider how the other party could respond. Ultimately, is it in your best interest, let alone common courtesy, to share your opinion (subjective as it generally is) just because you have one?