Addressing Meanness: It Isn’t Simple

I’ve been addressing meanness in a host of contexts of late: students who are mean to their teachers; youngsters who are mean to each other and to their summer camp counselors; adults who are mean to other adults (including acts of assault); neighbors who are mean to fellow neighbors; politicians who are mean to their counterparts/opponents. The list of meanness is endless and meanness seems to be growing in hosts of settings. If I had a dollar for every account of meanness I have dealt with and heard about in the past 6 months, I would be a rich woman.

The Problem:

There is no single cause for mean behavior. Indeed, the reasons for some meanness are highly individual. Food scarcity, familial dysfunction, mental illness, early trauma, later in life trauma. And that’s just a starter list. Other meanness, like in our society writ large, has some shared causes. After all, we live in what is now termed a VUCA world, a place filled with volatility, uncertainty, chaos (confusion) and anxiety (adversity). Social media and poor role modeling have contributed but despite the assertions of many, they are not the sole cause.

Now What?

I was at a friend’s house last night listening to her daughter (a college student) relating stories of meanness at the summer camp where she is a counselor. I listened and tried to offer suggestions but she kept saying: what you are suggesting won’t work; the campers won’t listen.

Now, this youthful and well-meaning and psychologically sensitive counselor recounted how when campers acted out, she had a walkie-talkie to call in the head of the camp to speak to the campers about their mean behavior. I asked how that went. She answered in sum: it works for a few minutes and then the meanness returns.

There is a lesson there. Telling anyone not to be mean does not eliminate the meanness. It may stop it for a moment or two or three but it does not eradicate it. And, the person saying “Stop the Meanness” gets frustrated. And for good reason. One would hope that pointing out bad behavior would cause it to cease but it does not.

Here’s why. Meanness has deep roots. Just saying to a mean person “stop it,” does not get to the causes of the meanness. And, for the record, past trauma does not justify meanness; having a bad day does not allow meanness to be dispensed; feeling bad or ill does not justify meanness. These justifications may explain meanness but they do not excuse meanness.

I have a neighbor who has been mean to me. She had plentiful explanations that she espoused as an excuse: I am in pain; I have been struggling; I worry about money. Add to this that she is narcissistic and pessimistic and complains at every turn. I tried to explain that while I understood her plight, that did not justify her taking our her problems on me. I suggested an apology might be in order. Her daughters said: “She never apologizes.” Yipes.

On another occasion, a person asked me a totally inappropriate question, one that made no sense to ask at that moment. It was one of those after-the-fact questions like: “Wouldn’t it have been easier/better if you had done X or Y?” Now one can ask anything but one should think before one asks, especially if one is aware of the other person’s particular situation. But, if you haven’t processed your own trauma and lock it into cabinets, you fail to be empathic; you want a simple convenient answer and can’t step into the shoes of another. I asked this person to retract the question. The answer: “I see no need to retract it.” Yipes.

Distinctions

Before proceeding with next steps, I want to make an important — a critical 0 — distinction. There is a difference between meanness and how to address it in one’s private as opposed to work life. Yes, there are some shared lessons but in one’s private life, one can walk away (forever or temporarily) from a relationship after offering one or two do-overs. In one’s work and organizational life, the situations do not easily permit walking away for any number of reasons: contracts, commitments, safety among others. Think educators and counselors and therapists and social workers and medical professionals.

So I have walked away from relationships and friendships when I see that there is no effort to uptake change and divest of meanness; in my work life, I see and deal with meanness regularly and do not and cannot walk away. Trauma is, after all, my work.

Next Steps

How should we curb meanness? How should we handle it? I think it is fair to say we know for the most part what not to do; we likely know what will be ineffective over the short and certainly longer term. Pointing out meanness does not cure meanness. It likely does not curb it either.

I tried to explain last night at my friend’s house how to address meanness in a summer camp context (work). Being calm helps. Being communicative helps. Punishment or reprimands do not work. Time outs and suspensions and expulsions do not work. There are data supporting all these observations.

Activating the senses (there are many senses in addition to the traditional five) helps. This serves to distract the mean person and allows his/her/them to reset. Fidgets can work. Nice scents can work. Balance exercises can work. Drawing can work. The idea isn’t to separate the mean person; it is to give them a diversion that will enable them to regain some sense of decency.

But, if mean people do not want to engage in the above exercises or there is no time to institute them, then what?

Remembering there is no one full proof answer to addressing meanness, what if one sends the mean person to do acts of kindness? Action, not words, is the key here. The 10 year old mean girl camper can be asked to read to the 3 year old campers that day. And the day after. And the day after that. The mean adult can be asked to do community service in a way that allows an opening for them to stand in the shoes of another person. (Just asking someone to think about someone else’s feelings doesn’t work.)

Act: call for action by the mean person. Enable them to DO SOMETHING that isn’t mean. Make that the default response to meanness.

But here’s my recent realization: just because the interventions with respect to meanness do not seem to work, one cannot give up on curtailing meanness. And, it may take several (many?) attempts to get a mean person to even begin to see the light. If one is mean, it takes introspection and self-reflection to address and own one’s behavior; the very fact that someone is mean suggests he/she/they are not introspective and self-reflecting at least in these meanness contexts. And youth surely need repeat opportunities, given the likely hurdles in their home life.

So lesson one for the recipients of meanness (not violence) is to keep trying to curb that bad behavior. Don’t try one strategy and then observe that it failed and give up trying. Those on the receiving end of meanness or are observers of meanness need to stand up and stand tall and use courage to work on eliminating meanness. Meanness wins if we do not stand up to it and against it. In the workplace (and in private too).

We recently had a politician who indicated that his forthcoming speech would be about unity and not derision. It would be about bringing a new vista to contentious issues. Well, like tigers and stripes, the speech had a new tone for about 20 of its over 90 minutes. And, there was marked reversion to meanness. Did we really think this political figure would or could curb his meanness? How foolish for us to think that he could.

But, while this politician might not change (introspection not being his strong suit), youth can and do change. Adults can change. And, even when they may not see the need to change (as in I don’t need to apologize or I am better than you or I am in control), they can observe change; they can be asked to do acts that message change. They can be put in situations where kindness is in abundance in words and in deeds.

Here’s an added insight: Seeking absolution from a priest or other religious figure isn’t action in the sense I am using it, and it certainly isn’t granting an apology to the person/people offended. It’s speaking off the record and in private to a trusted intermediary. Nope. That won’t do it. Add to this that some apologies (whether written or verbal) are totally synthetic; they are uttered but not meant. They are hollow, forced words. Both penance and fake utterances may make things worse because the wrongdoing thinks they have “addressed” the meanness. Wrong.

Where does all this leave us in a world filled with meanness?

Try this idea: kindness is an antidote to meanness. We cannot lose that message even in the midst of abundant meanness. We need to continually expose children and adults to kindness in all settings and put them in positions where they can exercise kindness. Directly. Clearly. Unequivocally. And maybe, just maybe, acting with kindness will seep into the offender’s being and allow that person to experience kindness and its meaning.

It’s well worth a try. What we are doing now isn’t working.