Brooding Over Decisions Was A Habit, Until I Realized Its Harmful Effects on Well-Being
I have had the habit of brooding over my decisions. On one side, I view myself as analytical, fact-driven and decisive. Yet on the other, I often find myself brooding over decisions taken, wondering if I had considered all aspects, was I too hasty, or simply with a lurking feeling that I could have taken a better decision. This awareness about myself came to me after I turned to spirituality and meditation a couple of years ago, and sought answers to situations that made me anxious or restless. Until then, I considered brooding over decisions as a perfectly normal phenomenon.
Once I became aware of this trait, I decided to contemplate and analyze its source, and I eventually realized that this was rooted in some rather fundamental levels of consciousness. I also observed that I was experiencing it on a regular basis, and it was contributing to the overall anxiety and disruption to my peace. I decided to investigate further about its causes and its effects. I also tried to interpret how I could control this tendency of my mind. Here are some insights from that process of contemplation.
As a start, let me illustrate a few types of situations where I found myself brooding over decisions made.
I recently decided to replace my car. My original plan was to do so a few months down the line, however, while researching the options over the Christmas break, I figured that there could be year-end deals to capture. After some careful research and a couple of test drives in the segment I was looking at, I decided to implement the decision over a couple of days. The car I zeroed in had the requisite features, seating configuration, and specifications that our family needed then and into the foreseeable future. I asked the dealer for the best price factoring year-end discounts and negotiated a few add-ons as well. Before the year-end, I had paid the amount and was awaiting delivery over the upcoming weeks. That is when the doubting and brooding began. I found myself wondering if I had decided too quickly? Did the car have the necessary specs or was I compromising? Should I have negotiated harder for a better year-end discount and additional accessories? I once again opened up the online reviews I had studied earlier to validate the decision I had already implemented. However, the cloud of anxiety did not dissipate.
Here are another couple of examples- I bought a pair of trousers after trying them out at the store. Everything from the fabric, fit and length were tested, with the necessary modifications to my requirement. Upon returning home though, I did not feel satisfied with the length and fit. I felt it should be longer and took it back to the store for modification. Similarly, in my investments, I often brood after it is done- should I have waited for markets to correct further? Have I been too aggressive in my asset allocation? As a consultant, in professional situations as well, I would experience this phenomenon. Should I have negotiated a higher fee with the client? Should the scope of work have been narrower?
These are simple situations, and the list can go on for many of us, with other matters of far-reaching consequence as well, be it with relationships, career or finances.
Subconsciously brooding over decisions and their outcomes are something many of us may experience from time to time. Having recognized the hazards of such a mindset, how does one overcome the tendency?
I am sharing here my analysis of cause, effect and possible approaches to deal with it, and I am hoping for it to help many of us who might relate to it.
1. Absence of trust and confidence, in yourself and others
Whenever struck by the feeling, ask if it is because of the absence of trust, and is it justified. Possibly, it can be overcome by asking the right questions. What is important though is the ability to accept a situation by recognizing that the other side is probably doing his best to help you while seeking a favorable result for himself as well. In other words, empathy is important in building trust, i.e. recognizing that just as you are seeking the best outcome for yourself, so is the other person, and both of you are equally entitled to be happy. There are times in life when we experience that we could have got a better deal, but that is when our maturity in balancing perspectives will enable us to move on and not carry it in our hearts.
Self-compassion is also critical here. Once you have made a decision based on facts and analysis as you understood them at the time, it is best to run with it. Beating oneself subsequently for not having done a better job negotiating, or not having researched enough facts to carve out a better outcome does not serve any purpose, and only reflects doubt and insecurity about oneself. You are human; do your best, accept and learn for the future. We should not expect perfect outcomes every time, and particularly since our view of perfection itself, is often a delusion.
2. A perpetual craving to accumulate and gain more, even at the cost of others
The perpetual craving and greed to have more for oneself will often lead to brooding after a decision has been implemented, since the outcome, no matter how good, will never satisfy fully. Usually, and sometimes without realizing it, implementing this extreme desire comes at a cost to others. It is fine to aspire for progress and be rewarded for it, but when this becomes a craving to perpetually accumulate, it becomes harmful. Further, when it happens at others’ cost, it will sow the seeds of anguish. This is because no matter how self-centered an outlook one may be accustomed to in one’s approach to situations, the interconnected essence of human existence will manifest.
Therefore, developing an attitude of generosity, satisfaction, empathy, and compassion will assist in controlling the perpetual craving to accumulate. Further, staying mindful of gratitude for everything that one has is instrumental as well.
3. A dissatisfied state of being
Some of us tend to be discontented by nature. Nothing seems adequate. However, this is distinct from greed. It is essentially not allowing oneself satisfaction in a situation, even a positive one. For such individuals, the root cause is possibly a restless mind causing fear or anxiety that convinces them that the present situation or outcome is just not right, and they must be missing something. The wisdom to allow oneself to gratefully accept and enjoy the present moment, even if imperfect can help in overcoming the dissatisfied and restless outlook.
4. Being unconnected with the true stimulus behind the decision
Many a time, we brood after a decision because we lost sight of the real reason while making the decision. Going back to my example of the new car, my primary driver for the decision was that my car was due for replacement over the next few months. However, I took the decision quickly because it gave me the high feeling of a new purchase when other aspects of my life were going slow. Further, I was apprehensive about a price increase in the new year and thought I should beat it. When the increase did not happen, I felt I should have negotiated better for a year-end discount, and when the high feeling of acquiring subsided, I even began doubting the technical quality of the decision.
When your decision is clouded by multiple motivators, you lose sight of the true premise and get blind-sighted by the ancillary factors, thereby leading to a rushed or befuddled decision and subsequent dissatisfaction.
5. You think you knew it all, yet end up feeling an absence of control
Decisions are often made with the confidence that you have all the facts and have applied sound rationale. Yet, you may find later that you had misunderstood certain aspects and the decision no longer appears all that wise. A sense of helplessness and brooding can set in then.
Going back to the car example, all my life I had believed that an anti-rust treatment was essential. I negotiated with the dealer to include it. Later I found that this could be unnecessary in a new car since the manufacturing process took care of it. Here again, one must invest in sound fact-finding without allowing emotions to cloud judgment. Thereafter, any new knowledge can only be acknowledged as learning for the future. Appreciating this can prevent a sense of subsequent brooding and regret.
In conclusion, let us understand that it is our responsibility to make decisions with a clear mind, integrity and with appropriate basis and motivation. Once it is made, it is only wise to accept the repercussions and learn from the journey.
Brooding over decisions is hazardous, and if we allow our minds to drive us in that direction, it will disrupt our mental peace, self-confidence, and relationships. As we have seen, the causes of brooding can be many, which could overlap as well. They link to the core of our personalities and deep-rooted consciousness, hence, they are not easy to eradicate. Yet, we can overcome the tendency by becoming aware and working on it mindfully, which would enable our progression to a healthy state of mind, and consequently a happier and equanimous life.
