Getting Lost in The Madness
Two techniques I use to come back to self-regulation and love
I’m sitting under my skylight windows, in the attic which is my room. Over the last week, I lived through a storm — one that consisted of stress, anxiety and the agitation of all my shadows. Having chosen to walk the spiritual path in parallel to continuing in my current profession (as a teacher) in society, I bear the difficulties of being aware of my failings as an “ordinary person” and the responsibilities of wanting to be better. Now that the storm has passed, all I can say is, “damn, it’s too easy to get lost in the madness”.
In Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance”, she talks about how easy it can be to be lost in our own trance or a delusion. I call these trances: “the stories in my head”. When we are in these stories, we believe everything to be true. Mine are: Yes, my flatmates don’t care about me. Yes, one of them is a complete slob and I could never live with them. Yes, I am completely alone in this suffering, carrying the weight of 109 children and no one gives a shit. Boom. Here comes the Drama Triangle 101. Did someone say Victim? Hello!
Tara talks about using the great pause to slow down. Between our perceptions and our reactions sit our true Self and inner wisdom. When the pause begins the madness stops. The dust settles, the sun comes out and we can once again look at ourselves (sometimes in disbelief).
At this point, one in which I have crossed many times, I remind myself of two tenderly held teachings. The first is forgiveness and self-compassion. As much as I wish I wasn’t the “blunt”, “assertive”, borderline “frightening” woman I am (as described by one of my flatmates, who is a dear friend of mine)… I am. And although this is a gift in so many parts of my life, it becomes a dagger when uncontrolled. So, when the story reel stops rolling and I am looking back at my frightening self, I bring myself first to a place of forgiveness. It’s okay that I didn’t say the right thing this week. That maybe my behaviour came across as passive-aggressive. It’s okay that I missed that student’s cue that she needed more of my attention in class — that my friends needed my empathy and I had none to give. If instead, I brought my inner critic, and start berating myself as I use to in the past, the flame of shame would only get hotter, at which point, I’d have no option but to start to self destruct.
The second teaching is to ask myself a question that Brach herself wrote in her book “Who do I take myself to be?”. I love this because I am reminded that when we feel the glee of “winning” (or the gremlin of joy), we are often again in the delusion of a reality that isn’t true. This is a wonderful and humbling question to ask oneself in order to self regulate and to dissipate the shadow of human greed for righteousness and power. This week I took myself to be someone who could “do it all”, and “do it perfectly”. As a result, I projected this onto my students, my flatmates and my friends. Once I acknowledge this, the delusion crumbled, and hand-in-hand with forgiveness and self-compassion, I can start again.
It’s so easy to get lost in the madness. Even with daily meditation sittings, religiously reading spiritual books and having spiritual conversations. The hardest part is recognising when we are in it, and leaning back on all the training we have to love, let go and move forward as best we can with courage and humility.
Metta x
Minty