How American Lawn Culture Drives People Insane

A tale in which my shirtless neighbor pushes a bystander, hurls transphobic slurs, and completely loses it over dandelions

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Growing up with lawns

I grew up the son of a lawn care professional. For about 20 years my father was a one-man lawn mowing business. Every day he woke up early, loaded his truck, and headed out to carefully manicure the unused, heavily sprayed, and sacred lawns in the suburbs of Tampa Florida. Each lawn was intended to match the other — no one should ever stand out.

It helps if you imagine the sickly sweet neighborhood of perfectly boring lawns from Edward Scissorhands. Especially because it was filmed minutes from where I grew up. Source: 21st Century Fox.

I never understood the obsession with having green carpet outdoors. Florida is full of diverse, gorgeous plants and stunning landscapes can be had with native plants. Less maintenance, less expense. What’s not to like?

For several summers, and sometimes before or after school, I would help to mow the lawns. I hated it. Mowing one lawn is lame enough, but mowing dozens of lawns in rapid succession in the heat and humidity of Florida while being an angsty teen? That’s just the worst. When I left for college I basically vowed that all lawns were…