How to Help Students Own Their Problems and the Solutions
The tool that solves problems and provides lasting change
I could not believe what I was hearing.
The student was NOT supposed to have his phone out in the first place.
Me: “Steve, you need to put up that phone.”
Steve (not even making eye contact): “Just let me finish this level!”
Me (in disbelief and with a look that said it all): “Steve…”
Steve (with an eye roll) puts his phone in his pocket.
This one incident made me think about other things that were “not working for me” in my classroom.
First of all, the whole phone situation was becoming an issue. I often let students use their phones to learn, but many were sneaking onto social media while using the learning apps. Others were wearing hats in class and had their feet up on the desks. Others would not stop talking when I was talking. Others, when going to the restroom, would take SO much time that one would think they got lost in our one hallway school.
Controlling a classroom is difficult because you CANNOT control the choices of other people.
Many have tried and failed.
Theory #1 — Intimidation.
The first school of thought (pun intended) is the theory that you need a super strict classroom. This theory urges educators to run the classroom with an iron fist and strike fear into the hearts of many students. The problem with this theory is that students will inevitably push back. It is the nature of teenagers.
Also, it separates you from the students in an unhealthy way. In the words of my own students “I can’t learn when I feel someone is on my case all the time.”
Don’t get me wrong. There have to be consequences for actions. Every school must have them. In my school, it is a negative point system called “demerits.” When you have enough demerits, you get detention, or an in-school suspension, or Saturday School. There is nothing wrong with demerits in and of themselves. It is how you use them that matters.
Personally, I dislike conflict (I’m probably a 9 on the Enneagram). In fact, there have been many times in my teaching career where I have thought that something was wrong with me because I was too “scared” to deliver consequences. Part of me was worried what the student would think of me. However, that was not the whole truth. I also knew that if I handed out a consequence in anger, I would lose the student’s respect and part of the relationship. They would shut down in my class and not learn anything until that relationship was restored.
Theory #2 — Partnership
The trick to creating lasting change is to get the student to OWN the consequence and the solution. That way, they are still in the driver’s seat. You don’t have to be the “bad guy”. The student doesn’t have to be the “bad guy”.
The problem becomes the bad guy.
By solving the problem themselves, the student creates lasting change.
My theory was confirmed by a book that I recently read called “Never Split the Difference.” Ex-FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss has discovered principles for relating to people that change everything from a purchase at a store to a parenting battle with your children.
Rationalizing doesn’t work.
As teachers (and parents), we often try to rationalize with students and explain to them why they are wrong.
When using this approach, we believe two lies:
Lie #1- Humans are mostly rational beings.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. We do not initially reason with logic; we reason with emotions. We use our emotions to process the world around us. When in a balanced state of mind, we can look at a situation more logically, but we must be intentional at arriving at that state.
Lie #2- Everyone reasons like we reason.
This lie has us believe that because “we are rational,” that our argument will win. However, everyone has a different worldview and therefore reasons differently than you. You can’t count on YOUR logic winning, even when you are in a balanced state of mind. When someone says “You’re right” in a dispute, it is tempting to believe that you have won the argument. According to Voss, when the other party says this to you, you have lost because they are not owning the solution. They are done talking about it. They are essentially saying “Shut-up and go away.”
The Destination and The Vehicle
So, how do we get students to own their solutions?
We are left with empathy, and to arrive at empathy, we will use active listening.
According to Voss listening is not a passive activity. It is an offensive move. Listening pulls the person out of their emotions and a reactive state into a problem-solving state. When people feel heard, they start listening to their own emotions and thoughts better. In turn, they will clarify their wants and needs, which is what they are after in the first place when they choose to rebel.
I recently tried this with my own classroom.
The Classroom Experiment
After the incident with the student playing a video game, I decided to do an experiment. I took one week and made the classroom strict. No talking unless I say. No phones. No feet on the desks. No hats. In rebellion, the students stopped calling me “Profe” (their nickname for me) and started calling me Mr. Ellsworth. Now that’s funny!
I did something around day 3 that moved the classroom to a healthy solution. I had the students write down what they liked about the class before it became strict, the problems they saw in the classroom, and possible solutions. I spent an entire class period reading their solutions out loud and listening to them as they discussed them as a class.
At first I felt guilty. “Why am I even doing this?”, I thought. “I’m in charge here, I shouldn’t have to negotiate with these kids. They should just obey!”
Then something amazing happened.
The students came up with great solutions. Since those solutions came from them, they OWN them and follow them better. I didn’t have to use any extra brain power. All I did was listen, and the students arrived at their own solutions that worked really well for me.
It was all due to active listening.
I like simple actions steps, so let’s look at this practically.
Steps to active listening.
Number 1: Identify that there is a problem.
You will know when something is wrong in your classroom. You will be teaching and suddenly get a sinking feeling in your stomach or you will feel yourself becoming angry.
Try to identify where the problem is coming from. If you can identify a particular student or group of students, as you continue to teach, slowly and calmly walk over to them. Then, as Voss says, in a low “FM DJ Voice” say, “Hey, this isn’t working for me. Let’s talk about some solutions after class.” Say it with a smile.
If you can’t identify a particular student, address the class as a whole using the same voice and the same phrase. Stop your class 5 minutes early to talk about solutions.
Step 2: Use mirroring and open-ended questions to gather information.
Once you are ready to talk to the student or group of students at the end of class, it is time to listen. Remember, listening to the student is an offensive move. By listening, you take the student from a defensive survival state of mind to a problem-solving state of mind. You will take them from an emotional response to a state of searching for a solution.
Also, by listening, you are putting the problem as the enemy. You are inviting the student to help you fight that enemy.
Start the conversation like this: “Something wasn’t working for me in class today. What am I supposed to do about it?”
This question invites the students to start talking. Once they talk, YOU HAVE GOT THEM! Start using these two tactics to keep them talking as long as you can.
Tactic #1: Mirroring- Mirroring is where you repeat the last 3 words or the 3 keywords of what someone said. This invites them to continue talking and causes them to want to give more information.
Example:
Student: I wasn’t talking!
Teacher: You weren’t talking?
Student: No, Sally was talking. She always talks!
Teacher: Sally always talks?
Student: Yeah, I can’t stand sitting next to her. She is always distracting me.
Teacher: Sally distracts you?
Student: Yes, can I move seats?
Tactic #2: Open Questions — Use “what” or “how” questions to continually push the problem back to the student. This will keep them using their own brainpower instead of yours. Here are some good questions:
- How am I supposed to do that?
- What am I missing here?
- What can we do to make this work?
- That doesn’t work for me. How can we make this work?
Step 3: Embrace the silence and repeat step 2 as necessary.
Let’s face it, you’re a teacher and you want to start lecturing at this point.
DON’T!
If there is silence, embrace it for as long as possible. The student will hate the silence and start giving more information. Keep repeating the tactics from step 2 until you have the following information:
- What actually happened in the classroom according to the student.
- Why that could be a problem according to the student.
- How the student feels about the situation.
- What the student needs or wants.
- Some solutions to the problem according to the student.
Don’t assume anything, let the student do the talking and listen to what they say.
Step 4: Find a solution or deliver a happy consequence.
There have been times when I have done this, and the student comes up with a solution that works better than a demerit (sometimes it is even more strict than a demerit). The student owned the solution and the problem is solved.
Things don’t always go as planned
As amazing as the tools are above, teaching is not always that easy. Sometimes the student just won’t see the problem or that what they did was severe. Sometimes even with their solution, they still need another consequence. Your anger at the situation deserves to be heard too (as long as it is calm anger and not reactive anger), and your “No” should be respected.
Give the student a chance, but if they don’t respond, or need a tougher consequence, give them demerits (or whatever system your school uses). Just make sure you do it with a sincere smile and a calm low FM-DJ voice.
Conclusion
Active listening is a powerful tool, but it takes practice. You won’t get it right on the first try, so be sure to try every day. Also, students will often see through your tactics, especially if you are faking it. Be as sincere with your empathy as possible. You don’t have to agree with the student to understand their point of view.
Don’t give up. Even if the students revert back to rebelling, keep trying.
Often, students (or everyone for that matter) rebel because they want to be heard. They have an underlying need or want. Active listening is the basis for healthy communication, and will help you uncover what is really going on with the student. Use active listening to help them own the solution and find lasting change.
Resources: The material in this article was taken from my experiences and from the book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss.
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