I love Science — I hate Science
I love Science!!
I was in 9th grade when my uncle asked me what I want to become in future.
“I don’t want to become a doctor if that’s what you are hoping,” I snapped, “ might do a masters in Chemistry or Physics.” He was genuinely surprised because almost everyone we knew wanted their kids to become a doctor. I was pretty sure this wouldn’t be me. I was not good at understanding human anatomy but I knew my thing is physical sciences.
‘I love science’ is such an understatement.
When I was studying Physics during my undergrad, I used to think about what my career should look like. I dreamed of studying nature, climate, and telescopes and lenses. I remember asking a teacher about optical and atmospheric physics electives, and his response was, “These are girly subjects that we don’t offer in this department” (He is added on my Facebook and I desperately hope he reads it and gets a hint).
That was so humiliating (not to mention how sexist) and for a while I did think those were unimportant and unworthy subjects. I even felt bad about choosing Physics over Engineering. The fact that we highly regard our teacher’s opinion, really messed me up. That small statement haunted me for a long time. I stopped paying attention to the lectures, and performed poorly on most exams because I hated to study the not so girly subjects imposed on me.
I hate Science!!
Those were the terrible days of my life. I never felt connected with anyone. Some would judge me for being a woman, some for speaking a different language, some for wanting to study a different subject. I never looked back after graduating.
I chose an interdisciplinary subject for my MS. Energy sciences was the closest I could get. It didn’t fulfil me the way my real interests would have, but I loved every bit of my coursework. And that’s when I figured, definitions for easy and interesting can be very subjective. My easy might be someone’s nightmare, my interest might be someone’s disgust. Why did my teacher have to define and label things for me?
I am a Ph.D. researcher at Oak Ridge National Lab. Today a representative from the lab interviewed me and asked what do I love the most about science? I went blank. I have the answer but that doesn’t resonate much with what I am doing today.
I love my PhD research…
But I feel a void inside that becomes a nightmare during my difficult times. Whenever I feel stuck in a problem, whenever I run out of answers, whenever I fail to understand a concept, I panic and start looking for climate sciences programs, I look for alternatives, for way outs, for miracles that would change my circumstances.
I think about where would I be if I had a choice to customize my curriculum.
I start hating my PhD research…
But then I talk to my advisor, he listens to my concerns, he thinks these feelings might be due to the fact that he was busy and couldn’t give me the feedback and guidance I needed. We spend more time fixing our communication and I calm down.
I start loving my research again..
Until the next setback and the cycle goes on…
