I’m a Visually Impaired Colourblind Graphic Designer with Photophobia
Technically I have complete colour loss, as some people would tell me growing up. I say colourblind as people instantly understand to a degree what I’m talking about. As a child, it would normally be followed by a 12 year old asking me to then guess all the colours they’re wearing. Or what colour their bike is, or what colour their sisters dress is. This may explain why I hide it as much as I do now I think about.
“If you could make it a little more pink; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, somewhere in-between, that would be great”… “Ummm sure, do you have a colour code for that by any chance?”
Colourblind though typically refers to someone who is missing one or several colours from their vision. I on the other hand was gifted the ability to see no colour at all, everything is in shades of grey. I was born this way so I have no point of reference to any colour. I also have extremely poor vision for both distance and close up, and I’m also photophobic, so I have to wear tinted contact lenses and sunglasses. This brings some challenges.
Only people who really know me, know the struggles this can bring. However i’ve never lived my life that way, and in fact done as much as possible to hide my condition throughout my life so I would be accepted as “normal”.
I’ve always been a creative person, from painting and drawing, to airbrushing and digital design work and photography. For someone who lacks so much vision, I’m extremely stimulated by visual design in any medium, and I often work on projects that require a high level of detail. Clients are shocked if and when I tell them I don’t see any colour, after producing some branding materiel or illustration work. Colour codes are a life saver for me. “If you could make it a little more pink; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, somewhere in-between, that would be great”… “Ummm sure, do you have a colour code for that by any chance?”
Or someone telling you your coffee is in the green mug… great.
Because of this condition (Cone-Rod Dystrophy) Planning things takes longer for me, simple things that most could never relate to. Going to the store requires a route that doesn’t require traffic lights which I can’t see, to entering the store, and wondering what the lighting will be like in there. I don’t want to wear sunglasses in the store at 8pm at night, and if I wear my contact lenses, they’re heavily tinted so I just get strange looks then too. Plus at 8pm I can’t walk the streets when it’s dark with tinted contacts in, as it’s then too dark. It’s a minefield of subtle nuances I have to cover in advance. Or I just go in without any light protection acting as normally as possible with my natural blue eyes showing, while suffering terribly. Imagine a wall of white light as you enter Walmart. Squinting is not an option either, it makes me look stoned, and I was tired of telling people that at 18 when they’d ask me. The objective is to look normal, so eyes wide open, and suffer.
Using a cash register when I was younger, I couldn’t read any of the buttons from a distance, so again not to stand out in front of customers, I just memorised where the buttons were with no one around, same with ATM’s to this day, and self service machines. There’s nothing worse than checking out in a store i’m not familiar with, at a new self service machine, which without having my face glued to the screen, I can’t read.
These are just a small handful of scenarios I deal with on a weekly basis. Playing pool is on another level of complexity, along with travelling, airports and meeting new people at a coffee shop, when they’re only recognisable within 2 feet. By which time it’s too late, and the embarrassment has sunk in realising that’s not the person. Or someone telling you your coffee is in the green mug… great. Assuming I can even see where they’ve placed it.
I understand that level of discomfort for myself is my own doing and I should just not care what others think. But I’ve always been a confident person, and there are things growing up I just could not accept. Such as being at boarding school with other visually impaired kids, and seeing how sheltered their lives were by teachers, parents and assistants. I wanted non of that, and which definitely grew in me, a level of frustration, that ultimately drove me more in life, to do exactly what I wanted to do. Since finishing school at 18 I left for London on my own, got a job and apartment, then travelled by myself numerous times and now live in California. This may not seem much to some, but when I look at others with my disability and the lives they live, it saddens me that most, not all, but most are a slave to their impairment and ultimately settled for a life never even leaving the city they grew up in. The fact able bodied people do this, is even more tragic.
Technology has been a huge help in life, Google Maps for instance, which allows me to use street view, and foresee any possible obstacles that I may come across. Where the entrance is for the building I’ve never been to before, or any busy roads. Uber is excellent, but again I can’t see their plate number, the colour of the car doesn’t help and in a sea of cars on the road at times, making eye contact with the driver is impossible. So, I pick a quiet spot, beforehand where they can arrive, them and only them.
To anyone just reading this out of interest, take note of the people you walk by, it could be someone like myself hiding a disability. I write this not be a dear diary moment, but to help or inspire anyone who maybe in the same situation or similar. Do not let your disability grind your life to a halt, or settle for what a disabled person is meant to do. Do what you love, the only thing between you and what you want, is doing it, no matter what the challenge.
