Meditation Doesn’t Work Until It Does

Being an anxious person seemingly since birth, I’ve tried everything short of medication to cure me of my worry. Fear has eaten away at my life for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I would stay up at night fearful that a car crash would take my mother from me. As a 20-something, I was a perpetual job-searcher because I always worried I’d suddenly lose my job and not have health insurance. When I became a mother, my anxiety increased tenfold. I worry about my kids so much that I developed nervous tics. Clearly, my anxiety has always controlled me.

In 2017, I read the bestseller, “10% Happier” by television journalist Dan Harris. Half memoir, half self-help book, Harris chronicles his life prior to meditation when he dabbled in drugs and had an on-air meltdown. Once he discovered meditation he transformed his life and got back on track. Harris has gone on to develop a podcast and meditation app aimed to help fellow skeptics attempt meditation.

After reading Harris’ book, it was only then that I realized maybe meditation could help me. So, I tried. I tried for months. I would close my eyes, concentrate on my breath and my mind would immediately wander. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fight I had with my husband or obsess over the things I didn’t complete on my to-do list. It was as though meditation freed up my mind so I could worry even more than usual.

Meditation teachers say you have to keep coming back to the breath when your mind wanders. And I would. I would return to the breath constantly. Even when I was concentrating on the breath, I would be thinking about other things in conjunction. My brain just never stopped running. Since concentrating on my breath didn’t work, I tried other types of meditation. I listened to guided meditations, chanting and music. I didn’t notice any changes to my life or stress levels.

After several months, I gave up. I stopped listening to the meditation apps and paying attention to my breath. Instead of spending my first waking moments counting my breath every morning, I shot out of bed and signed onto Facebook to rot my brain. What was the use of meditating if it didn’t help me?

Life went on. My anxiety levels peaked and waned because, well, life happened. Last year, my husband and I decided to remodel the kitchen right smack in the middle of the holidays. Apparently, we lack any common sense. With most of my first floor demolished, I didn’t have room to do much of anything so I decided to restart my daily meditation practice. After a few months of not noticing any difference, I stopped practicing every day but would periodically meditate if I found time.

Then it was 2020, and the world locked down. School went online and parks closed down. I had a whole lot of time on my hands, so I started meditating every morning again. I reached my 90th consecutive day about a month ago and still thought it wasn’t helping me.

One day when I was completing some menial task, my mind stopped thinking about everything else and reminded my body to take a breath. Suddenly a lightbulb went off in my head. I realized all of my angst and frustration surrounding meditation had been worth it. It finally clicked. Between all of my anxiety, worry and fear, I never realized how often I hold my breath or how many shallow breaths I take. By continually meditating, I trained my brain to remember to breathe and breathe deeply.

Meditation isn’t really about totally clearing your mind and living a stress-free life. Any good meditation teacher will tell you that’s not the goal. Instead, meditation is supposed to give you a different perspective. By separating yourself from your thoughts, you’ll gain a better understanding of your suffering, pain and even happiness. Through the simple act of taking a deep breath, I remember that in that moment, I am okay. I’m happier because I remember to breathe. There’s also a lot of research about the importance of taking a breath for our health.

It’s important to remember meditation isn’t a one-size-fits-all practice. Everyone experiences something different and your practice may change over time. If you’re skeptical, give it a try. Or if you have tried it in the past without making any progress, stick to it. You never know when it will finally click for you.