Parenting Adults in the Wild
How to respond to people without being a Karen
After becoming a parent, I have felt more obligated and entitled to parent adults in the wild. By that I mean I tell them when they should correct their behavior as it is a bad example towards my kids and other kids. The trouble is responding to people without feeling upset after the fact. I would like to respond and be comfortable with however they responded to my comments.
As the result of a few of these situations, I have started to work towards the simple notion: How could I respond to adults acting badly without wreaking emotional havoc on myself?
Even if I have some sick burn in those situations, it doesn’t make me feel good. I still feel upset. I think about how the situation could go different; I think of what other crazy thing I could have said, but often, I think about what I could have said to feel confident a change may occur in their action without emotional collateral damage on my part.
Starting with an Example
I went for a walk with my kids, and we went to the train station. My kids love watching the light rail go by, from the sound and sight of the crossing guards (or ding-dings as the kids call them) to the train getting smaller in the distance as it departs. They have been so excited about trains that even when I’m on my own, I appreciate watching a train go by, and I often wave.
On this particular day, the ding-dings started going as the train was approaching. The crossing guard gates came down, and we were watching the train like any other day. Then a couple in their late 20’s walked across the tracks with their freshly bought coffee in hand. They made sure to avert their gaze; I’m pretty sure they knew they were being selfish especially in front of my kids.
My knee jerk response was “You’rr setting a bad example for my kids by crossing the tracks while the train is coming.”
Only the woman responded, “Not my kid!,” as they quickly walked away. I thanked them for being assholes. It didn’t make me feel better.
I was mad, not furious, but annoyed. I wasn’t so annoyed at their response, but rather, I was annoyed I was so frustrated that I reacted out of anger rather than reacting in a way that may have yielded better results or resulted in me not being upset.
Their response wasn’t my fault. They probably don’t have kids.
I went over in my mind the situation. I tried to use give them a pass, but it still bothered me. What could I have said instead?
“Hey guys, could you help me? Could you not cross the train tracks when the train is coming?”
“Hey guys, how are you? I’m good, I’m just watching the trains with my kids to make sure they don’t walk in front of a train.”
“Hey, what are you guys in such a rush for?”
“Hey, you guys know what you did was a bad example, just apologize.”
“<Insert really offensive remark>”
I’m not sure if I would have felt better after the fact, but my reaction set them up to be on the defensive. That isn’t my problem, but if I want change, some times it means getting people to disarm.
How to Determine an Appropriate Response
For me, it’s been a learning experience. First, I had to realize and admit that I wasn’t completely mad at the offending party’s reaction but my reaction. If I can’t admit that I have a part to play in my emotional turmoil, I am powerless to fix it.
After many occasions of feeling this way, I worked on being more patient and accepting. This removed most swear words from my responses and improved my tone.
Don’t swear, stay calm.
The more effective tool has been writing. I’ve been in a few situations where the response is over email. Email fails to convey emotions, so it is easy to have a message misinterpreted. However, email gives you time to write, revise, start again, write, not send, and have something more concise and refined.
My wife and I had such an experience over email, and after three drafts, we converged on a note that we both felt comfortable sending regardless of the other person’s response.
Ultimately, when people act selfish and aren’t aware of its collateral damage, they aren’t open to criticism. I’m certainly not when I’m selfish. I’m glad I’ve had better insight into how I can be selfish and self-centered, and how those behaviors have collateral damage. Collateral damage isn’t personal or intentional, but it is still damage.
I’m working towards expecting less and accepting more. The more I focus on love and acceptance, the better I feel.
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