So you think shit’s gone off the rails thus far? Imagine what would happen if we didn’t let people earn unlimited sums of money.
You plebians may still be mad at old Ted Cruz for trying to toast his melanin while his constituents “leaned in”… to pooping into buckets. But the great Sena-turd from Texas was just trying to help us. By taking his family on vacation, he took the burden off the power grid! A rich person provided a rational rich person solution — get out of the way so someone more capable can fix it. If you’re feeling super guilty because you didn’t understand that he went to Cancun for us, send him, and his selfless family, a thank you card.
When I start to think about how sad I am, or how great it would be to go to Cancun, I take a breath, focus, and do what rich people do: blame my problems on someone else. Like, why did this dumbass in a goddamn Nissan park so close to my car? Can’t I just grab my sandwich without that disgusting pesto mayo (or whatever the offensive spread they insist other people definitely consume is), from Health Nut, and not have some goon ruin my organic, natural, $18, lunchtime experience? Focusing on the uggo in the Nissan was way better than thinking about how I haven’t been hugged in 355 days.
I get to thank rich people all the time because I’ve been savvy enough to figure out how to work for them. I get to witness, first hand, how they sacrifice themselves for us bottom feeders. For instance, the gremlin that parked too close to me at Health Nut has a rich person to thank because no rich person would be caught dead in a Nissan. If Kelsey Grammar liked Nissans, no Uber drivers would be able to afford one. Thank gold for Kelsey Grammar’s taste in automobiles.
I was recently permitted to wait with my current benevolent employer for an appointment. She made the totally casual point that she had not set foot in a grocery store since last March. (Leave it to a rich person to be the best at helping stop the spread!) The thing we couldn’t stop agreeing on was that her Instacart person was a total idiot. This numb-nut who braved the grocery store for countless other non-COVID spreading rich people, brought her bruised or rotten fruit on a regular basis. A REGULAR BASIS! We shook our heads in unison as she got into her Tesla and drove back to her multi-million dollar home. I quote her because it’s the question I, too, can’t stop asking, “Who does that?”
In the before times, I went to a Pilates class. Not to take it, but to watch my former boss take it while I held her phone in case she got a text from her new celebrity boyfriend. In class, there was a classic, hardworking, loving mom, who has a nanny and a housekeeper and could barely make any time for herself. I truly don’t know how rich Moms’ make it through the day without morphing into angels. Anyway, she was nearly sad because she lost a Tiffany ring her mom had given her; it slipped off her finger into a trash can. The worst part was it was her housekeeper’s day off, so what was she supposed to do? Reach into a trash can and get it? She had to let it go. If we can’t all adopt a little of the “let it go” essence, then we are missing out on some truly valuable rich person wisdom. Don’t dwell on the $3,000 you threw into the trash can. Hug your kids and spend quality time being passive-aggressive with your best friends. I’m grateful to that rich mom that was made mostly out of Juvederm, for making me see that the only thing that’s valuable is time.
A rich person lesson I’ll never forget is one about hearing the word, “no.” I was tasked with creating a simple website for a rich person, who you have definitely seen on TV and in movies, for a show they were producing. After spending hours putting this together, I learned that the rich person did not like the design, but would not, under any circumstances, pay $15 to upgrade to a premium design. Why should a rich person, whose name you’d know, lower themselves to pay for something? Talk about a learning moment for my impoverished inner child!
When I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable calling the company to waive the fee, I was made to understand the following: hearing the word “no” makes a rich person less rich. I nearly died right there in the middle of their library. I had no idea saying “no” to a rich person directly affected their bank account. I now understand why the CEOs of major banks were treated with such reverence after the financial crisis in 2008. If they had heard “no,” all of the world’s money could have disappeared. I’m so glad they ignored people that were trying to make them see what they’d done. Thank you for not listening, rich bros!
You may be thumbing your original nose at the idea that supporting and encouraging rich people to keep on getting richer benefits all of us. While trickle-down economics may be the biggest con of the last 50 years, trickle-down rich person behavior could save us all from ourselves.
Thank you, rich people. We might all feel very differently about our place in this world without you.