EDUCATION, PSYCHOLOGY
The Dangers Of High Expectations
A lesson for students, parents and teachers
We all have our standards. To some, nothing short of perfection is acceptable. To other’s, that’ll do is enough. There’s nothing innately wrong with high prospects — if anything, it’s good to strive to achieve. However, setting incredibly high standards can have a detrimental effect.
The Weight Of Expectations
As a teacher, this is something I see more often than I’d like to.
A generally positive, well mannered, student crushed under the pressure to deliver.
At times, it’s the parents who place expectations on their children. It’s as if they’ve already plotted out their career path — whether their child likes it or not is irrelevant.
Don’t get me wrong, I pride myself on working to the best of my ability and reaching a high standard of work, but when it becomes an obsession, things become counterproductive.
For the student (or the parent), it can be hard to perceive that certain expectations are next to impossible to reach. Placing this weight on a pair of relatively young shoulders is detrimental. It has a tendency to limit what most kids want to do the most — enjoy their childhood.
So why do parents do it?
I can’t blame any responsible parent for pushing their child to achieve more. Most of them do it because it’s the way (or they perceive it to be the way) they became successful as children. It may be added pressure, but it’s well-intended.
It’s their recipe for success, and they want the best for their child.
Where To Draw The Line?
That’s the tricky part. At some point, high expectations become an anchor, not an engine. They drag the student down, placing so much weight on them that, if not encouraged, they might give up completely.
High expectations can very easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy for a student.
“If whatever I do is never enough, why bother in the first place?”
Seeing an otherwise brilliant student disassociate from the learning experience due to impossible expectations is not only disheartening, but also saddening.
Students should enjoy learning and do it at their own pace, not because someone said they have to hit an impossibly high grade.
The Solution?
Teaching your son, daughter or student to accept the fact that, in the current circumstances, they have done all they can — now it’s time to put down the book.
It’s not the expectations we should be chasing, but the application — learning to apply ourselves and make the most of what we hope to achieve.
Not having a constant worry that our efforts may not be enough can work wonders.
The ‘Should’
How many times have you heard any of the following phrases?
“I should be in better shape.”
“I should study harder.”
“I should get a better job.”
“I should be more caring.”
“I should eat healthier.”
Many of us believe that to improve our lives, there should be a push (hence the ‘should’) towards something better.
I’m well acquainted with ‘should’ — I used it all the time while studying to become a teacher.
Most of our professional or educational journeys started out with a ‘should’. Subconsciously, we’re taking our expectations and turning them into an internal call for action.
“Okay, it’s time to actually do something about this!”
This kind of ‘should’ is one of the strongest drivers of change. We are essentially motivating ourselves to start something. In this sense, expectations are a good thing.
They act as the driving force behind our motivation. It’s because we really want to pass an exam, or reach a higher position that we push ourselves further.
Getting In The Way
However, expectations can be a double-edged sword. Here are a few practical examples:
I expected to look like a top athlete after two weeks at the gym, but my arms still resemble pipe-cleaners.
I expected to enjoy my holiday but got bored after an hour.
I expected this article to only take me an hour to write and I’m still at it.
If taken too far, expectations stop being a source of motivation and drag us down.
“Well, I didn’t make it, so why bother trying any longer?”
Focusing only on expectations and how things ‘should’ turn out can detach us from the progress that we’ve made towards our goal.
For this reason, it becomes counterproductive.
Dropping The Expectations
“So Dan, you’re suggesting we just drop all our hopes and throw caution to the wind?”
Well, not quite.
Our brain is a powerful expectation generator. Psychologically, we’re drawn to what we ‘could’ achieve. The issues arise when the brain creates a false impression that we ‘should’ get there.
Our mind doesn’t always take into consideration our present abilities or a realistic timeframe in which those abilities can be achieved.
It’s building our hopes on thin air.
“Can’t we just stop mentally generating expectations?”
Good luck. I’ve never seen anyone do that. The fact you ‘should’ be able to do it is an expectation in itself. Your brain is a powerful tool, perhaps more powerful than you give it credit for. Don’t try to go against it.
Rather than suppressing expectations completely, it’s much easier to just drop them. Whenever I notice myself expecting something, I consciously tell myself;
“So that’s the reason I’m feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, frustrated or incapable.”
Having established this, I accept the fact that success will take more work (or time). No one promised me I’d get the job done easily, so why am I expecting it to be?
Feeling discouraged, overwhelmed or incompetent are all signs that we are clinging on to an expectation. In students, they tend to manifest themselves in a disassociation or a wish not to take part in the lesson.
The Way Forward
It’s essential that we learn to drop expectations. The earlier we teach our students or children to do the same, the less anxious they will be.
“So what if you didn’t get the highest grade in your class, you still improved when compared to your last test.”
From experience, I tend to see expectations reach an all-time high before exams. My advice?
Drop the expectations. Just do your best.
If you genuinely do your best before for an exam, you won’t have any regrets once it’s over.
If you achieve your goal, well done.
If not, you know you did your best. Maybe with a bit more time, effort and practice, you can try it again. Accept the fact that within the time and resources available, you couldn't have done any better.
The Moral Of The Story
Seeing progress for what it is, and not through expectations, is a liberating experience. Dropping the self-imposed ideals and fantasies will give you a different perspective on your achievements.
When you don’t achieve a goal, you don’t need to go through a wave of despair — just look at the moment you’re in, accept the fact that you couldn’t have done better, and go from there.
If you feel overwhelmed, try focusing on something else.
If you still want to achieve that particular goal, try again. There’s no limit to your attempts.
Most importantly, take a minute to meditate. Clearing your vision and focusing on something else for a while works wonders. Adopting this mindset will allow you to be fulfilled once you achieve your goals, but not feel discouraged when you don’t.
It’s a choice we can (not ‘should’) make every time, if we are aware of our expectations at that particular moment in time. Good Luck!
