The struggles of being kind to yourself

Why is it we find kindness for others, but so often it escapes our own self talk? We feel undeserving of our own kindness and compassion, reserving it for others and their wonderful deeds. I noticed this today as I replied to an email from a good friend telling them that the energy at the moment feels heavy and everyone, collectively seems to be full of self doubt, that she needs to give herself a break and is doing a wonderful job of being an amazing person. I am full of confidence and wise words for her, tapping into my the yogi in me, providing spoonfuls of reassurance and non-judgement of her.

I have to re-read back the email to myself several times after I’ve sent it. Confused at the words, did I even write this? Or has someone else momentarily taken a hold of my mind and written it on my behalf. The email effuses calm, stability, and knowing. I nod my head in agreement with the advice that I wrote, as I re-read it for the 4th time.

‘Why can’t I write like this all the time?’ I think. ‘Why do I always hand over my ideas, my power to someone else?’

I chastise myself for the 100th time this morning.

My phone beeping again. A client I work for wants to discuss some novel ideas. Ideas that I pitched to her just a few days ago, giving them away for free thinking there was no value in my random thoughts.

My client was inspired and had given my ideas some thought herself. The client told me last week that she wants me to come work for her full time, pitching the stability of a full-time wage.

Me of old, me of 2019 raises its voice in my head and whispers, “This is the best option for you. You can never do this by yourself. She’s more popular, more well known, I should probably go with her.”

I shake my head, trying to dislodge this shameful and weak self within me. But the voice repeats echos those words in my head “Give your ideas and sell your labor to her”. I feel deflated and annoyed.

This I learn is one of my patterns, one of those lessons I’m supposed to learn, that not believing in myself, hiding behind others, buying into my unworthiness is the cruelest thing I can do to myself. I don’t need anyone else to torture me, I’ve got that very much under control.

Except lately, the last few weeks I find a fresh voice in my head whispering something else in the silence of my morning routine of meditation and yoga, even when I’m cutting up carrots for a soup saying “Trust yourself. You can do it”. Like a Nike Ad repeating in my head.

I smile in these moments, joyful, excited by the possibilities, nodding my head in agreement. ‘Yes, I can do it.’ I think.

Then moments later my phone buzzes again and I become consumed by how I will say no to this client. Panicked at what they will think of me, and worst of all, that I might disappoint them.

Ultimately, I want to stop disappointing myself. And that will mean putting myself first. My feelings, my goals, my expectations first and not those of other peoples, be it colleagues, clients, or family. Me first is challenging years and years of brainwashing, of an automatic reflex of servitude, to please, to make myself smaller for someone else, of jumping to the click of someone else’s fingers. It’s the reason, in part, that I hide myself. I change my name; I keep to myself, always aloof, always wary of who I trust because I know when I trust someone my ability to keep myself in check, to put myself first dwindles, it becomes a bonus.

Now is the time to take a risk, to trust me. To show me the kindness that I show others. To try and try again. I can’t wait to see what happens next.