There’s A Thin Line Between Love And Enabling
“‘Enabling’ is essentially any action that makes it easier for the addict to pursue his addiction. It’s an unwitting, well-meaning, but nonetheless destructive response to a loved one’s addictive behavior.” –From the book, House of Cards, published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2001.
Addiction is a family disease. If one of your parents, like my father, was an addict, the chances that you or one of your siblings becomes an addict increases greatly. Addiction is also a degenerative disease that if not properly treated, worsens over time, and, ultimately leads to premature death. When an addict is deep in the throes of an addiction, spouses, siblings, parents, and loved ones often make a grave mistake when responding to the addict’s disease. They mistake enabling the addict for love and support.
Enabling an addict “refers to a pattern within the families [of addicts] wherein the family members excuse, justify, ignore, deny, and smooth over the addiction. This notoriously allows the addicted person to avoid facing the full consequences of his or her addiction, and the addiction is able to continue.” (Source: www.goodtherapy.org). By allowing the addict to avoid facing the full consequences of their actions, the enabler ends up taking on more responsibility for the actions of the addict than the addict is taking for themselves.
Most people who enable addicts do not do so willingly. They are oftentimes repulsed by the addiction but lack the tools or knowledge to properly help. Moreover, the enabler fears the consequences of the addict’s actions. The enabler might think that if they don’t intervene, the addict may lose everything, even their lives. Consequently, enablers attempt to shield the addict from the consequences of their actions. But, in a cruel twist of irony, the enabler actually expedites the addict’s demise because by shielding the addict, they allow the addiction to continue.
By shielding the addict from the consequences of the addiction, the enabler has tacitly supported the addiction by signaling to the addict that there are no repercussions for their dysfunctional behavior. Addicts will then continue the behavior because they know it will be disconnected from negative outcomes. As a result, the enabler, by no voluntary fault of their own, has made the addiction worse.
Why do loved ones enable addicts? My therapist believes that families that are stricken by addiction are like a house of cards-fragile and ready to crumble at any moment. Enablers try to keep the house of cards intact by controlling the consequences of the addiction. They might even do so by blaming others for the addict’s behavior. Enabling, as Kyle King calls it, is “love turned into fear, and help turned into control.” Enablers simply don’t understand that an addict MUST want help and that to want help, an addict must hit rock bottom or be faced with rock bottom consequences.
Imagine an addict gets drunk, drives recklessly, and kills someone. If his family member responds to this by blaming the company selling and marketing the alcohol, the bar owner, and the other driver, will the addict seek the help that they so desperately need? Of course not. And why would they? Their loved one is shielding them from the consequences of their actions and enabling their addiction.
I took my first drink at age 13. I have been a high-functioning addict ever since. My list of addictions is numerous: sugar, alcohol, cannabis, MDMA, cocaine, sports betting, Adderall, and jiu-jitsu. But, because I am high functioning and do not fit the stereotypical image of an addict, I was able to maintain the façade of a mentally healthy person for forty years. And while I’ve faced some consequences-I’ve been fired from three law firms-I’d never hit rock bottom. So, I never sought help.
It wasn’t until the summer of 2019 after Lauren had threatened to leave me and take our son with her that I finally decided to seek help. It had been five months since my father passed away and Zion was born, but I had only given lip service to seeking help. Once faced with rock bottom consequences, I decided to get the help I so desperately needed to break the generational curses of my family. And I did that because Lauren held me accountable for my actions and did not enable my worsening addiction. I am lucky she did.
An enabled addict is a ticking time bomb. Dealing with a loved one’s addiction requires setting boundaries and stepping back from a situation and allowing the addict to experience the consequences of their actions. If that fails, contacting an intervention specialist is the best that we can do. If we try to control the consequences of the addiction or force the addict to get help, we make things worse.
Be well, my friends.
If you, or a family member, needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1–800–662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1–800–487–4889, or use SAMHSA’s Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator to get help.
