Toddlers Explained
To understand a toddler you need to think like one
Every single parent, in fact every single person who’s been in the same room with a toddler knows that toddlers are a handful. And that’s very gently put. I can also guarantee you that every parent at some point has raised his or her voice towards their child. Because toddlers always seem to find the last nerve and put it to the test. But the ironic part is that toddlers are not doing this on purpose, it’s just the way their brains are wired.
I’m currently raising two cute toddlers and every single day there are moments when one or the other or both do their best to push me over the edge. I also work as a full-time kindergarten teacher, so basically I’m surrounded by kids 24/7. What keeps me calm in extreme moments is knowing that they are not doing annoying or stupid things on purpose. Now this one here is very important to remember. Whenever you feel like you’re getting close to the peak of your anger, try to remind yourself that this is your kid, you love him or her no matter what, and he or she is not acting crazy on purpose. If that doesn’t help remove yourself from that particular situation for a minute or two, but first make sure your kid is safe.
So who is a toddler?
According to several dictionaries like Collins Dictionary or Cambridge Dictionary a toddler is a young child who’s learning or has recently learned to walk or who still walks unsteadily. That’s much too superficial definition of a toddler. Toddler behaviour is often very underrated due to their errors in action. It’s a very short period of time in the long run, but it’s also very important. During these early years a toddler learns the basics of how this world works. Their language is good enough to understand and express themselves, but their understanding is still episodic. That’s why it’s absolutely crucial to be there as a parent and show, explain and guide them age appropriately.
Understanding a toddler
In order to understand a toddler you need to think like a toddler. As I said before, a lot of annoying things toddlers do are not done on purpose. Kids that small are not that advanced yet. Think of a toddler as a blank page. He or she has absolutely no experience how things work in this world. Some of our words are literally ‘blah blah’ for them. So they discover the world by experimenting using their five senses — touching, looking, sniffing, hearing and tasting. Every new experiment creates new connections in their brains. So when you see a bag of flour poured all over your kitchen, think of it as an experiment. This can be easily followed by a new activity — cleaning up together.
To keep yourself sane during those experiments you have to learn how to breathe and let go. Take time to understand what’s going on and give your toddler time to grasp the situation. Because experiments won’t stop when you yell at the little scientist. They’ll go on without you in the room. Try to be and stay a part of this super important step in your toddler’s life. Whenever your toddler misbehaves you need to let your kid know that you still love him/her by cuddling, hugging, kissing and proclaiming your endless love. But you also need to show that every action comes with consequences. Don’t expect your toddler to understand what he or she did wrong. You need to physically show how things are done right. Lead by example.
Another keyword in understanding your toddler is time. You need to take time for your kid during the day. The smaller the kid, the more time he or she will need with you. It’s common belief that at least 15 minutes of undivided parental attention during the day will make your toddler behave more tolerably. This means no distractions — put your phone away, switch the TV off, find someone to watch your other kids in case you have them. Many tantrums happen because of lack of attention. I’ve taught my 3-year old to say the words “I need attention” whenever she feels a little bit neglected. And it actually works. Whenever she says those words, I immediately finish whatever I was doing (within reason, of course) and commit to her. Try it out.
We are equals
Many parents treat their kids as babies far longer than they should. As soon as your kid understands what you’re saying and is able to actually hold a conversation, you should start treating your kid more equally. We as parents love to talk an teach and preach. But how many of us actually listen? Toddlers love to talk too! It’s our obligation to listen to our toddlers whenever they decide to share their experiences. Even if you’ve heard the same story ten times before and it might seem boring to you. Try your hardest to be enthusiastic and really listen. This is how their brain reinforces what the body has experienced. If you ‘forget’ to listen to your toddler or show lack of interest, at some point your kid might not want to share anything with you anymore. And then we wonder why our teenagers don’t want to talk to us. Every aspect of life is affected by our early childhood years.
You love your kids no matter what. Even when they’re moody, grumpy, snappy or quiet. It is very important to tell and show this to your kid. And by telling I mean really get down on your knees to your kid’s eye-level and confess your feelings. Sincerely, and every single day. You might want to add a hug and a tickle to seal the deal. Everyone wants to be loved. Especially kids, because their emotional development is still in progress. It’s easier to take on this world knowing that there’s a safe environment called a loving home to turn back to whenever it gets scary out there.
As soon as your kid has a little understanding of how the environment and society functions you can use your little helper in a lot of every day activities. For example, before the pandemic my toddler used to love to go grocery shopping with me. I used to let her pick things as well, with guidance of course. Now I let both of my kids unpack the groceries whenever I bring food home. And they do this with pleasure, in fact, they are very excited to help me unpack. Also, they know exactly where everything goes. They are an equal part of our family so we treat them the way they should be treated — with respect and understanding.
Why not let a three-year-old pick his or her own outfit. Just be there with your gentle guidance. For instance when your toddler wants to wear sandals on a rainy day try to show and explain why rain boots are better on that particular day. Decision making is a very important step towards independence. You’ll have to learn how to give up control step-by-step. It’s not easy but it’s absolutely necessary. And remember, saying ‘No’ to a toddler is like a trigger for a tantrum to happen.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P. Jones
Honesty and promises
Every relationship is basically built on trust. A child trusts you since birth. You are the primary caregiver and the safest person on this planet. Small kids will trust you endlessly and are willing to forgive you a lot of your parental mishaps. At some point you’ll have to learn to trust your kid as well. Honesty and trust is a two-way street. If you want your kid to be honest and believe your word you’ll have to lead by example.
Promising things to your toddler is easy, it comes almost naturally. “You’ll get ice cream right after you finish your soup” or “We’ll go to that playground tomorrow, I promise”. But just as easily we as parents break these promises, because you know, life happens. So that’s why it’s important to keep your promises or never promise anything uncertain at all. If you never intended to give your kid ice cream, don’t even bring it up in the first place. Broken promises lead to broken trust and that one is very hard to rebuild.
Another important point to remember is that toddlers are not yet capable of understanding time. So for toddlers ‘right now’ and ‘in an hour’ means the same. If you promised you’d do something let it be the next activity on your list. For example, your toddler wants to play with you but you’re in the middle of a phone conversation. You promise to play with your kid after you’re done. But then you remember another ‘quick’ thing, after that you decide to take a quick shower and so on. And when you finally find the perfect time for your kid, he or she will be so disappointed in you that you’ll probably have a tantrum to deal with. Your toddler feels that he/she can’t trust you and an uncertain toddler gets moody really fast.
Basically what I’m saying is stick to your word. Whether it’s a promise to do something or give something, or in negative situations as well. If you’re uncertain about something then it’s easier not to mention it at all, let it be a surprise. Or in case of a negative situation and setting ultimatums, do not back down. You have to show your kid gently that you’re not to be played around with.
Help your toddler understand
Our main task as parents is to prepare our young ones for the world that awaits them. It is our responsibility to help our kids understand how things are done properly. But keep in mind that every human being, every family, every society, every culture and every country is different. We believe we are doing the best we can in raising our kids, but there’s always someone who thinks raising kids should be the other way around.
Trying to understand this world is a very complicated task. You have to agree that sometimes even grown-ups have a hard time grasping how to do the right thing. How can we expect this from someone whose experience is as little as 1–4 years of age? Every single day a child’s brain creates millions of connections. That’s why kids concentrate on the process, but parents rather on the subject or content. You as an adult and parent are the one who has experience and a hunch of how things are. So you’re in charge of explaining how thing should be. Do this from your perspective but leave room for other opinions and options as well. Your truth is not the only truth. Don’t forget that you’re dealing with a toddler so try to stay age appropriate, use simple words and short sentences.
In the end, all you need to do is stay calm. Because toddlers are such sweethearts at times. If you don’t believe me then go ahead and hop on the newest trend among parents — lay your head on your toddler’s lap while he or she is watching cartoons and see for yourself what happens next.
“Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster too.” — John Ruskin
