What does it mean to be alone
Cope up with the gap where friends used to be
On 18 November, I added one more year to my age log. Friends whom I considered closest to my heart didn’t remember my birthday but the friends, I used to ignore calls from, reached out to me, brought cake, and wished me happy birthday.
What a great twist, right? After falling out with my best friend in August, I kept myself busy with work, volunteering, and exercise. Keeping busy has always been my way to keep the feelings in check.
I never wanted a large set of friends; I was happy with two close friends in my life. They were my safety net, and they were there when I needed them. We used to get drunk, walk in the rain, and laugh under the joyful sunlit sky. But those days are all gone. Poof- it’s gone.
It’s not the same as before- I am not the same as before. The feeling of betrayal enforced self-isolation which leads to numbness. I fostered a feeling of indifference, shame, and anger that still lurks under my skin.
On one fine evening, my friend told me I have unrealistic expectations of friendship.
Do I?, I still think.
Like many young people, I turned to dating apps to track down new connections, but I tumbled back to self-isolation. I know friendships can involve conflict, they can end brutally and they can leave an indelible mark. But I didn’t know they can make me feel isolated.
On my birthday I walked in the park, in the moonlit sky, and felt the cold November wind brushing my cheeks red. At that moment, I was not scared of aloneness. Instead I felt a glimmer of happiness, a sense of hope. As if something’s lifted off my chest- I believe, it was expectations.
We are so lucky that there are new people to meet, new moments to create, and new joyful events waiting to happen to fill our lungs with laughter. Our heart heals, it’s resilient, powerful, and magical.
I will always hold that moment because it made me realize that now it’s time to ask what I will create to fill the gap that they left me with.
Now, I want to build a life so better than the one I had so that even when I am alone, I feel I am on solid ground.
