What Nobody Tells You About Goals
The most important lessons I learned in 2020
The past year has tremendously shocked our lives for reasons we already know, and it will be surely impressed within us for decades. 2020 made me think more than before, and I got from it one of the most important lessons one single year ever gave me.
I want to be clear on this: this is not about the pandemics.
Ok, maybe this whole situation had an impact on my reflections (it surely had); however what I am going to tell you is not about Covid, nor quarantine.
I want to share with you how my perspective about goal settings and systems totally shifted.
Consider this as a one-to-one talk, a discussion about life. This article won’t teach you any particular technique to 10x your productivity. If this is what you search for, you can stop reading.
Through past projects and experiences, though, I discovered that learning from other human beings’ lives can be much more powerful and effective.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t make them all yourself (Usher).
I fail, you learn. What’s a better bargain?
Know your limits.
Goals are the path for improvement. They are meant to help you become the person you want to be. But here’s the fact: life is not always something that you got steadily in your hands, and following your goals apathetically is the step to dig your own grave.
2020 has been a super busy year for me: final school exam, university prep, driving license, work. Also, I had my personal goals and resolutions. I wanted to stick to my habits, learn new skills, try new stuff (this is how my experience on Medium started).
Did I succeed? Of course not. Or at least, not as I wanted.
The main reason behind my failure is not a matter of quantity (it’s okay to set several goals for one single year, even though, as I’ll say later, I do not recommend it).
It was a matter of approach, behavior.
Even though I knew I could not do it, even though I felt stressed, I wanted to do it all every single day. As a result, I did not gain what I wanted for my purposes, plus I felt overwhelmed.
‘No pain no gain’ mentality is a double-edged sword. Be careful with that.
Don’t let goals dehumanize you.
Another thing that was exhausting me in 2020 was the idea of to-do lists.
I want to make this clear up. I have nothing against to-do lists, and they are still one of the most valuable methods you need to use if you want to accomplish your goals.
Although, in the past year, I had this feeling that my entire life was becoming a to-do list: wake-up, have breakfast, study the whole morning, have lunch, study again, workout, study German, figure out a suitable topic for my next article for Medium (or writing the piece), meditate, have dinner, sleep, repeat.
These are all tasks that I was willing to face and set up all by myself until it became too much.
There is a moment when you want to stop or try something else for a bit. But once you are caged in your goals and want to achieve them at any cost, you are trapped.
However, thanks to some inspirational books I read (especially When breath becomes air, by Paul Kalanithi) and some outstanding movies I watched, I sat down, I thought, and I realized I wasn’t doing what was best for my life.
We are not set to execute processes like robots. This is not our essence as human beings.
Don’t plan your trip like a tourist, but seek the uncertainty like an adventurer.
Well, I promised that I didn’t talk about coronavirus, but I have to retreat.
You have to forgive me, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned in the past year is about control. The COVID situation played a huge role in that.
I had a few projects abroad planned for this year, but I could participate in none of them because a virus decided to say hello to the world.
This condition should be familiar, insofar plenty of other people like me had to give up on their travel plans because of the pandemics.
The COVID situation is a reminder for every time we plan meticulously our lives, thinking that they will take exactly the road we designed.
Life is a chaotic system. You may try to foresee the tiniest detail, but it will surprise you even more.
There is an idea, described by the well-known Nassim Taleb, in one of his most influential books, Antifragile, that is called turistification. Taleb addresses this concept with the tendency to thoroughly organize our life, like the tourist who is planning his trip and knows exactly what he is going to do in every moment of the journey.
“But the worst touristification is the life we moderns have to lead in captivity, during our leisure hours: Friday night opera, scheduled parties, scheduled laughs. Again, golden jail. This “goal-driven” attitude hurts deeply inside my existential self.” (Nassim Taleb)
What is the antidote to touristification and to this syndrome of ‘scheduled life’?
Well, the answer is simple. It doesn’t exist.
Life is volatile, unforeseeable. The only thing you can control is the reaction to external events. Maybe it’s time to focus more on mentality over programs.
In retrospect, it is more exciting that way. I mean, would life be still that interesting if it goes exactly as you have planned?
So, at the end of the day, 2020 taught me three massive lessons:
- Working hard on your goal does not necessarily mean killing your life. Try to follow the path you established at the beginning of your year, but remember not to ruin your present with too much stress and strain. Your daily life is still the most certain thing you have in your hand.
- Follow your instinct. Remember that you are a human being, and human beings do not merely execute tasks as machines.
- Stop looking for control in every single aspect of life, even for circumstances that are beyond us. Kill your tourist instinct and focus on reaction rather than action.
But what can you do to implement these basic principles into your everyday life?
Here some practical tips that overturned my goal-setting system and may be helpful for you as well.
The less is better.
At the end of the past years, as the goal-obsessed person I was, I sat down at my desk, trying to track and analyze the target I set at the beginning of the year, confronted with the actual results I gained.
The situation was always the same. Failed every year.
That does not mean I did not improve at all, but never as I wanted. Another scenario is where I actually achieved one — or a couple — of primary goals but totally overlooked the other ones.
It was straining.
Therefore, I took some time to dig more for the reason behind my failures. I thought that even though setting many goals was challenging and stimulating — I love challenges — , it was way too ambitious. So I decided to pick two or three main aspirations that I was really caring about and giving it all.
Results were simply astonishing.
Not only I achieved everything I wanted at the beginning of the year, but I actually outdid.
Thus, my truthful suggestion is said. Don’t try to do many things at one time. It is exhausting, overwhelming, and inefficient. Focus, instead, on a limited selection of priorities.
As Thomas Edison said, ‘There is time for everything’.
So, why hurry up?
Enjoy the process.
I will never stress this enough. The goal may be stimulating in our eyes, but what matters at the end of the day is the process that leads us to that goal.
Indeed, I am not alluding to avoid goals that require effort. It has to be so, otherwise what’s the point of a path with no obstacles?
That effort, though, must be sustained by your instinct, feelings, and motivation. We must genuinely believe within ourselves that we crave the result.
Remember that achieving a goal is a journey, not a destination. Striving for a goal we do not actually enjoy carrying out is like going on a trip to Rome but not enjoying your time because you don’t like old crumbling architecture. Is it worth it?
(by the way, Rome is the most beautiful city in the world, and if you disagree, you have some unfinished business with me).
Moreover, don’t listen to others if your gut is not feeling right about it. I had experienced some pressure — which became annoying over time — when I was planning a new goal. ‘Be specific’, ‘Measure your goal’, ‘Make your goal SMART’.
This is heavily hard and frustrating.
SMART goals are a great strategy, but they are not the only way. I recently watched a video by the American doctor and YouTuber Ali Abdaal, where he proposed an idea that, in my opinion, should stick in everyone’s head:
Traditionally we’re supposed to think of goals as specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-bound, and all that stuff but all relisten is saying is that we don’t have to think about them that way. A goal of having a peaceful life or having an empty calendar is completely legit.
Life is yours, and no one has the right to decide if your goal is valid or not. Every goal is worth achieving as long it makes you glad.
Don’t treat goals as a jail.
If you feel that today you don’t feel motivated enough to work on your goal, it’s OK.
I’d like to stop this obsessive mentality of ‘never missing a day’ because it can get too unbearable in the long run.
Certainly, if you want to truly achieve your goal, you need to put a regular and constant effort into it. That does not mean, though, you cannot take a day off — which can be more helpful than working hard every day.
Remember that your body is excellent at giving signals, and if it praises you for a break, it would be smart to give it what it wants.
Of course, rest must not become laziness and procrastination. You can build a tracking system and periodically review your goals to not lose grip and stay still on track with your purposes. There are basic and simple rules that may be right for you, like the 2-days rule, but try to be creative and find something that can surely work.
Please, don’t feel guilty next time you miss a task or think you didn’t give it all. The sense of your life does not depend entirely on the goals you achieve. The sense of your life depends on your ability to enjoy every moment you live in it.
Conclusion
My intent was not to discourage you from achieving your goal. I still believe that goals are still one of the most powerful instruments you can use to pursue your desires and improve always more.
However, I wanted to show you through my own experiences how the present rhetoric of goals could show as toxic and counter-productive.
Moreover, I tried to provide not only general principles but also practical actions you can try to implement in your goal system:
- It is better to focus on a limited range of goals than trying to accomplish them all at once, because it could get way too stressful, which is an additional step to inefficiency.
- Remember that enjoying the process of achieving your goal is more important than the accomplishment itself.
- Don’t be strict and inflexible with yourself. Everyone has days-off, and there is nothing to be ashamed or guilty of.
I hope that my story has somehow encouraged you to look at goals from another perspective. Besides, I hope that my words have made you reflect on the importance of considering yourselves, your instinct, your gut, and not only the unnatural advice of some guru on the web.
Always remember:
“It’s your game: make up your own rules” (Barbara Corcoran)
