When Parents Don’t Respond As Hoped
Every teacher I have ever worked with, or even met, has encountered parents who did not respond in the way they hoped when presented with information about the student and their progress. Obviously many parents responded in exactly the way they hoped — they deferred to the teacher’s expertise, asked what they could do, and reinforced things at home that the teacher was doing in school. But, sometimes, they encountered a parent that did not defer to their expertise, didn’t support in the way that was hoped, or perhaps even undermined what the teacher was trying to do.
Getting parents on board with your plan as a teacher is a critical step. There will never be anyone more influential to a child than their parent. Full stop. As a teacher, you can recognize this and work to bring that parent alongside of you, or you can try to fight it. Only one approach has demonstrated any effectiveness.
Getting a parent aligned with you is not always easy and requires some significant mind shifts for some educators. The first mental shift we have to make is to acknowledge that the parent knows more than us. Many times, because we are professional educators and have master’s Degrees, we think we are the expert and parents should defer to our judgement. However, every parent has a doctorate in their child. Approaching conversations with a parent by being willing to sit at their elbow and learn from them will both help you understand the student better and earn trust with the parent. Rather than telling the parent how the student is and describing what needs to be done to fix these issues, we can start by asking the parent what they see and what their experience tells us works with the issues we are seeing. Chances are that the parent has seen these behaviors before and knows far more about it than we do.
One of the most difficult things for educators to recognize is when we are sitting in judgement of parents. This is so difficult, because we don’t always mean to be doing so. A parent who is not an education professional, coming into a school setting to meet with a team of educational professionals is likely to be feeling judged before anyone says or does anything. This makes it all the more important to build safeguards into our processes to help overcome these feelings and to honor and validate parents in the process.
Any meeting with parents should employ specific attention to language that may hint at judgement. Sometimes educators don’t agree with or like a parent’s lifestyle or some of their life choices — none of that is germaine and does not belong in the room. Unfortunately, these biases can be hard to recognize and root out, therefore explicit attention should be paid to help ensure school is a judgement free zone.
Parents should also be encouraged to bring someone else with them as a notetaker or an advocate. Sometimes, schools get defensive when a parent wants to bring an advocate to the table — we sense an adversary. Consider that a parent will have some heightened anxiety during the meeting and will not effectively hear everything that is happening. Patients are often encouraged to bring someone with them to medical appointments to help ensure better listening and more comprehensive questioning, schools should do the same. Imagine the trust you build when you encourage a parent to bring an advocate rather than reschedule the meeting so you can have an attorney present!
Last, consider some of the more subtle cues in our meetings. Putting the parent at the head of the table, beginning with them, ensuring that they know who all the meeting attendees are and why they are there — and that they are comfortable are good practices. The goal is not to browbeat a parent into agreeing to a recommendation. The goal is to develop a team approach that keeps the parent’s status as most influential person in the child’s life.
By working hard to honor parents, despite all and any differences that might exist, educators will find a great deal more success in helping students become successful in school. Too often we do not fully realize the ways in which we alienate parents and the consequences of that alienation.
