Embracing My Idyllic Suns and Terrible Moons
No longer waiting for the stars to align
I’m trying to believe that this great mood I’m in is not just the upcurve of my ever fluctuating menstrual cycle. That I am not a puppet to my hormones, that they aren’t the ones running the show and pulling the strings. I’d like to believe that this expansive frictionless state I feel is a product of my design. That I chose all the right paths and found mental clarity.
However, the question I am beginning to ask myself is, “what fraction of my moods are a result of my circumstances, brain chemistry, and will power? Why must it be my willpower that matters in this instance? Am I seeking control? Consistency?” My whole life I’ve been trying to solve the mystery of my emotions.
“So what if my willpower makes up 5% of my well being? If dopamine and estrogen make up 80% then so be it!”
Science says rising estrogen in a woman’s follicular cycle ramps up your energy and motivation to socialize and seek out adventures. So it would seem that 80% of my wellbeing is comprised of this estrogen, 5% will, and 15% my environment which includes eating, sleeping, and breathing in air that is clean or polluted.
I have this inkling deep down that 80% of my life is made up of all this hormonal shit. I’m speculating that all these bouncing molecules are to blame. The issue isn’t an emotional one it’s an enzymatic one.
Think about it. Today I am in the follicular phase and I feel wonderful, light, motivated, and inspired. But that feeling can only be experienced two weeks out of the month! That’s a total of six months out of an entire year that I feel all of my human parts are in tact, when things are working synchronistically.
Being in the follicular is something I look forward to every month. It is my inward spring and summer and life feels effortless. I wake up and everything seems like a great idea. “I’ll walk to my nearby coffee shop and write something today, and — oh — while I’m at it, I’ll read an entire book and then finish up that landscaping project on my patio!” There is the estrogen coursing through my blood, reminding me of who I am and ripening all of my ideas.
I suppose thinking in terms of my hormonal clock gives me room to breathe when I am feeling low and uninspired. This stagnant feeling isn’t necessarily my fault. And there can not be light without the existing darkness and my time spent indoors facing my many moons.
I should maybe be on some sort of medication for this, but here is what I also think —
I can’t have all these expectations for myself, to be lively and congenial 365 days a year. Instead, I can think about the kind of life I want to build with the resources I have. Even if that’s 5% will power, 15% environment, and the coin toss between seasonal sadness and happiness (80%).
And I know how this all may sound. “Here she goes again, moping about menstruation, blood, and tears.” But I wanted to shed light on this phenomenon hoping people can relate. Even if you are not blessed with periods the common denominator among each and every one of us is this dance between our idyllic suns and terrible moons.
Perhaps living only for my idyllic suns is killing me more than wasting time blaming my terrible moons. What if I started believing that I can create a life on either side of the coin. Then I wouldn’t have to wait every month for the clouds to part and the stars to align. All my life I believed I couldn’t write the article, run the marathon, or date that boy until all the locks on my doors had been finetuned and recalibrated.
Why is it so hard to move with the current and just let nature unfold itself?
The truth is I want my 6 months back. I want more time and opportunities even if that means I feel momentary sorrow, accidentally overspend for the month, or face rejection. There is something beautiful about the struggle because no great deal of importance can emerge without it. Even if brain chemistry really has been the culprit of my happiness then so be it! I will become the moon in all of its terror and all of its beauty.
