Friendship Breakups and Heartache

Reflections from a recovering people pleaser.

Friendship breakups can be just as painful as romantic breakups, yet they are a natural part of life. Antoni Shkraba on Pexels.

Heartache

Losing a best friend can be more painful than losing a boyfriend. Hourly updates and weekly sleepovers end abruptly, and the person you imagined would be by your side on your wedding day is no longer part of your life.

As someone recently graduated college, I had a fair share of friendship breakups. Some ended with social media subtweets, pettiness, and a big 'f*** off!', while others fizzled out gradually over time.

The logical side of me understood that each door closed opens space for new and more aligned relationships. But I couldn't help but feel hurt. I was grieving the relationships I thought would last me a lifetime.

Am I the problem?

I could only handle so many friendship fallouts until I wondered — am I the problem? Do I have unrealistic expectations for my friendships? Am I projecting my difficulties onto others?

My parents always referred to me as the social butterfly. Since childhood, I have easily connected with others, often bringing different friends together. Yet in my early twenties, I find building and maintaining meaningful friendships increasingly tricky.

I brought this up with my therapist- why am I struggling to connect with my friends, and why do I have so many friendship fallouts? She pointed out that I was completely different from when I started therapy six months ago. I had since graduated college, embarked on a healing journey and had a spiritual awakening. For the first time in my life, I was my highest priority.

As you grow and change, it’s natural to evolve in different directions, and sometimes these changes can cause a rift in your relationships. Joshua Abner on Pexels.

As I built momentum by focusing on my needs, I found it difficult to be myself with certain friends. I noticed that when I set boundaries, they could have been received better. My friends were taken aback when I spoke up about something that didn’t sit right with me. My new boundaries were interpreted as being mean or not showing up for that friend.

I couldn't help but notice that the more I felt myself, the more disconnected I felt from my friends.

People Pleasing Builds Shallow Relationships

My friends knew and loved my people-pleasing version but couldn't accept the more authentic version of myself. One that cares for me sets boundaries, and isn't afraid of confrontation.

I realized that my friends didn't even know me. All the years of prioritizing my friend's feelings over my own needs, I people pleased my way into fake friendships.

It's as if I've been caught in a rip current dragging me out to sea. Whether I swim against the current or not, there is a strong pull away from friendships that no longer align and towards the vast ocean — unknown, uncomfortable, yet fresh with new opportunities.

While friendship breakups can be painful, it's important to remember that just because one friendship ended doesn’t mean you can’t form new, meaningful friendships in the future. Evelyn Chong on Pexels.

Today I am much more confident and clear about my desires. I am no longer the always-down-for-a-fun-time-even-if-it's-at-my-own-expense friend. I set boundaries and act in ways that align with my needs. And sometimes, this means saying no to invites, not putting myself in uncomfortable positions, and communicating when I am uncomfortable or upset.

I am no longer afraid of conflict, realizing that it has the potential to strengthen and build relationships by increasing understanding, communication, and trust.

In committing to discovering and caring for myself, my next challenge is to bring more honesty and authenticity to my relationships — which means getting distance from relationships that no longer work for me and opening myself to new connections more aligned with where I am today.