How Being Vulnerable Changed My Friendships for the Better
Lessons from someone who used to bottle up
Revealing our deepest emotions can be one of the scariest things to do. It’s difficult to be vulnerable in a society where expressing our feelings is seen as a weakness, an overreaction, or worse, something self-inflicted. We are expected to get a hold of ourselves and simply get over the things that bother us. In this world, resiliency is admired more than the ability to be vulnerable.
Friendships Almost Always Happen Unexpectedly
“Do you listen to The Cure?”
“Yes! I wish Robert Smith was my dad.”
“Me, too!”
And just like that, you have a new friend. Frankly, it might not always be that easy but often enough we connect with others by having something in common. Whether it’s a hobby, an interest, or a Harry Potter obsession, we become drawn to those who can easily understand our inner world.
Friendships can also start by sharing stories. Aside from being attracted to people with the same weird curiosities as us, we also find ourselves tied by common experiences and suffering. It is always comforting to know that there are people who can relate to you. Either with being the eldest child in the family or having a loved one pass away unexpectedly.
Friendships built around sharing such personal narratives build trust that can potentially last for a lifetime.
However, some people like myself find it very difficult to open up right away. In fear of being misunderstood and invalidated, I bottle up most of the negative emotions I was feeling. For me, it was easier than trying to explain myself and the situation I was in. I felt that most people couldn’t be bothered by other problems than their own. I created an invisible wall around myself in fear of not really being listened to.
We Avoid the Ugly Truth
As a child, my mom convinced me not to share our family problems with anyone. Back then, I had a grade school best friend whom I trusted enough to tell that my dad had a second family. In fear of being exposed and gossiped on, she told me to refrain from sharing this even with a close friend.
“It will reflect badly on our image as a family,” she said.
Back then, I didn’t understand what she truly meant so I just obliged. Many years after this incident, I realized that people go to great lengths just to hide the bad parts of their lives and even of themselves. It goes to show how as humans, we strive for perfection and are compelled to impress other people. We are so focused on positive end results rather than the string of events that led to them.
We avoid the ugly truth and seek a happy ending to any story.
I Hesitate in Being Vulnerable With My Friends
As a result of this repression, I can only be vulnerable to a romantic partner. It felt comfortable having someone I can trust my stories with. But after a while, I started to have unrealistic expectations from them. By sharing my past traumas, I thought my partner would immediately understand how I work and why I react or behave in a certain way. Instead, I felt that I was too much.
I learned the hard way not to depend on others for my emotional well-being. Moving to a different country and being placed in a complicated context took a heavy toll on my mental health. Aside from these personal problems, I couldn’t help but be affected by what was happening around the world, especially in my home country. I started sulking and over contemplating if I made the right decision.
In this period, while the pandemic continued to loom over every aspect of our lives, I started to notice how the people around me became more vulnerable. My friends began reaching out to share how confused and scared they felt.
I have two closest friends from my country — one I’ve known since grade school and the other since high school. It was only in college when we became an inseparable trio — the Powerpuff Ladies as we call ourselves.
In almost nine years of friendship, I can count on one hand the times I actually shared something very personal with them. When I broke up with my first long-term relationship, I only had the courage to fully talk about it after several years. For a time, I would tell shortened versions of the story where it would seem that I already made peace with the situation.
It’s hard to talk about the things that caused you so much emotional damage.
The Value of Opening Our Hearts
These days, I began to see the value of talking about the things that bother you as they happen. When I allowed myself to be vulnerable at the very instance of feeling alone and stuck in my own thoughts, I felt a sense of relief. I realized I had a choice to not let the negative emotions eat me up completely.
“What happens when people open their hearts?
They get better.”― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
After bottling up for so long, it didn’t occur to me that I had other friends who were genuinely concerned about me. I became in close contact again with another high school friend who also decided a few years ago to live in a different country. More than the experience of adjusting to a new culture, we discovered that we had more in common than we thought—being in a cross-culture relationship, finding the right career path, and even the trauma we experienced as a child.
Ironically, the distance made us closer. I formed a stronger relationship with my friends just by removing the wall that kept me from being vulnerable. We were able to have personal conversations and create a safe space where we can reveal our true selves without the fear of being judged.
Main Takeaway
We all learned to share the darkest parts of ourselves — the idiocies, trauma, regrets, and mistakes. And through our shared suffering, we also learned to hope. We voiced out our dreams, passions, and desires. We celebrated the small wins in life.
Even though the realization came a little late for me, I figured that this is what true friendship is about — letting people in.
