How I Had a Breakthrough Moment With My Teen
The hurtful moments are powerful life lessons
“It doesn’t matter what I say; you’re still going to find fault with me anyway.”
These words punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of my system. I stared at my 14-year-old who looked back at me with defiance, willing me to challenge the statement.
At that moment, I just looked away while she rolled her eyes and shut her door.
When I started blogging in 2007, it was as a mom blogger. My blog used to be called Diary of a Doting Mom.
In 2013, I started a series called ‘Yelling Less’ on my blog and it was the impetus that was needed for me to get more regular with my writing.
The Yelling Less challenge was inspired by the Orange Rhino, a mom of four, who chose to walk the path of peaceful parenting. I was so motivated that I did multiple challenges (7 days without yelling, 30 days yell-free, and 800 days without yelling).
Each milestone made me feel more powerful and more in touch with my growing child.
I still have many posts on the subject on my now business-oriented website.
But you know the thing about highs. They are almost invariably followed by low points.
That, for me, happened when my daughter became a teen, two years ago. I’ve read all about how adolescence is this phase of change and how necessary it is to cut them some slack or give them space to wrestle with big emotions.
The Transition to Teenage Years
My daughter, who’d hang on my every word and with whom I’d built what was seemingly an unbreakable bond, began to withdraw into her shell.
Where she’d chatter nineteen to the dozen on every topic under the sun, she now chose to bury her nose in a book or plug in her headphones and listen to the latest songs from her favourite band — Why Don’t We.
The change took my breath away in more ways than I care to admit.
On the one hand, I missed that tween of mine, who’d plonk herself down next to me and jabber away on everything that had happened that day.
On the other hand, every time I tried to talk to her, I’d be met with monosyllabic answers and the rolling of her eyes.
I really didn’t think kids could roll their eyes, but boy, have I been proved wrong!
Everything I did annoyed her; at times I wondered if breathing loudly would be enough to set her off.
Why It Bothered Me So Much
I struggled with this so much because I had had a drama-free relationship with my own parents as a teen.
School was largely uneventful and I wasn’t the kind who made more than a few close friends, content as I was with my books and my solitude.
This change in my daughter was such a challenge because I have a desperate need to fix things right away. I can’t stand confrontations and conflicts and there’s this deep-seated need in me to try and push through and resolve the issue then and there.
Naturally, this rarely goes down well with the other party.
When people are hurt, they need to be given time to feel their emotions and process them at their own pace.
Instead, if we try to bulldoze our way into their affections and attempt to make things better, we invariably end up making things worse.
The Incident
As my teen shut the door behind her, I stayed seated for a few minutes, both shell-shocked at her utterance and reflecting on the truth in them.
To give this some context, I generally ask her to put the vessels away in the kitchen every morning. That particular morning, she did it all the while sighing and groaning. I didn’t pay much attention to it.
She then walked out of the kitchen with her hand wrapped in an ice pack. Maternal instincts now on full alert, I called out and asked, “What happened? Did you hurt yourself?”
“It’s nothing,” she replied.
“Well, it’s clearly something; otherwise, you wouldn’t be using an ice pack!”
“I’m telling you it’s nothing. Just let it go.”
Cue the mother in me, seized with the overwhelming need to know.
“Stop. Come here and tell me what’s wrong.”
Slowly, she turned on her heel, looked me in the eye, and said, “I hurt my fingers playing basketball yesterday. I didn’t tell you about it because you’d accuse me of skipping chores.”
Eyes widening, I whispered, “Do I do that? Really?”
“Yes. It doesn’t matter what I say; you’d still find fault with me anyway.”
She then turned back, went into her room, and left me looking at a closed door.
An Awareness
For what seemed like an eternity, I paused and looked ahead while that parting shot replayed itself.
Was I really being that authoritarian?
Was I turning into the ‘Do what I say because I said so’, kind of parent?
How much I’d fought against this. How much I’d try to guard myself against saying the wrong thing.
As the day wore on, I became more subdued and chose to reflect deeply on this incident.
And slowly, the pieces began to fall into place.
Around the time that she turned 13, I noticed that she had built up the courage to speak more openly. In my mind, she was still a young kid, who didn’t know what she wanted.
Then, as the months unfolded, I found myself being frustrated by the fact that I had to repeat myself ad nauseum for any chore around the house. These were the same chores she’d do so readily until she was 10 or 11.
On the occasions that she’d skip a chore or miss the mark, I’d make a cutting remark or do the work myself, while shooting daggers at her and making her squirm at the fact that she hadn’t done the job.
Little things, on the surface of it, and fairly non-earth-shattering in the grand scheme of things, but how easily we forget that these incidents are the entire world to them.
A Renewed Practice
After that day, I began to slow down and put into practice a new habit — pause.
Every time I chose to make a cutting remark, I stopped myself, paused, and stepped back.
Slowly, I began to speak more kindly and meant it. Additionally, I learned to stop saying No on instinct.
- If she came to me with a need to take a nap between study sessions, I tucked her into bed and told her to do just that, without passing any comments to the contrary.
- If she asked for an extra 15 minutes of basketball time on a school night, I told her that it was fine, as long as she was sure of being up on time the next day.
- If she needed a break from studying formulae for her Science exam and memorizing dates for her History paper, I suggested that she could listen to her favourite band.
Subtle changes on the surface; but seismic shifts deep underneath
Main Takeaway
As parents, we feel the need to be in control of our children’s lives. I know that feeling. I still feel that on most days.
But knowing that our teens have minds of their own and letting them work out some of the tougher challenges is its own reward.
Will she never make mistakes?
Will she never lose her temper with me again?
Will we always be best friends?
There are no guarantees to any of those things.
But, after two weeks of this practice of pausing, I am happy to share that we now rarely fight.
It gives me absolute joy to also tell you that she now willingly flings her arms around me every night, plants a wet kiss on my cheeks, and whispers, ‘Good night, Amma. I love you so much.’
Related Read
Very recently, I began following the practice of slow business, and in my mind, at some level, business and life appear to feed into each other in terms of the lessons we learn. As an intentional business owner, it amazes me how much I learn from my business that affects who I am as a parent and an individual.
