SOCIETY
How To Learn Empathy Through Active Listening
The importance of cultivating empathy in our daily lives.
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
― Ernest Hemingway
How often do we think about others more than ourselves in a day? And how often do we listen than talk about ourselves? Maybe not so often.
Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to tell their story. But most people never listen for the purpose of understanding. Some people ask questions but never wait for an answer. It’s as if having a monologue with an audience.
Listening remains an undervalued life skill. We are taught at an early age to communicate effectively but never to listen actively. As a result, we tend to forget the goal of communication itself which is to have meaningful discussions using a selfless approach in order to arrive at a shared understanding of both sides. More often, we just want to get our message across and expect a nod of affirmation in return.
If we are truly able to listen, we can open ourselves towards personal and meaningful relationships with others. Perhaps, we will finally be able to learn what empathy really means.
Listen to strengthen personal relationships
I’ve been quiet most of my life. I am observant of my surroundings and the people I interact with. Unless my feedback is asked or when I have something relevant to contribute to the conversation, I usually remain silent.
I guess that’s how I learned the beauty of listening. It’s the spark you see in people’s eyes when they feel encouraged to talk freely about what they like or what they’re passionate about. It’s how their shoulders relax once they feel comfortable in expressing themselves around you. It’s their vulnerability whenever they share a very personal story. Every time we listen to someone, we provide encouragement and support, and most importantly we show empathy.
“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
I remember how I would listen to my mother’s stories. To the time she lived in the big city at her aunt’s house she would sleep on the sofa every night. She would commute every day to work as a saleswoman at a mall. She told me how she would secretly use the cologne in the cosmetics section where she was assigned.
Hearing these types of stories made me aware of the life she had before I was born. It showed me that at one point she was a struggling woman in her 20s. She was a child who was afraid of the world and in her way, conquered it. I started to understand her and her way of life. More than being a daughter, I also became her friend. I realize that when we don’t see eye to eye, empathy is a better approach than aggressiveness.
When my friends are troubled and confide in me, I offer first a listening ear. In this way, I can have a full understanding of their situation so I can formulate sensible advice once they ask for it. I refrain from having snide comments or making them feel bad or guilty for their decisions. Sometimes, they just need to be listened to without judgement or prejudice. To be there as a listener is already an act of emotional support.
Conflicts in any relationship easily arise when it’s not in our interest to listen and understand the other person. Sometimes, we get absorbed by our own selfishness and see our relationships as a competition. We are so programmed to react based on our internal biases that we forget to pause and put ourselves in the positions of our partner, our friend, or of anyone we interact with. We fail to empathize.
We might not realize it but somewhere along the line, we are more similar than we think. Each of us has our own baggage to deal with, our own relationship with suffering. We all experience sadness, pain, love, and happiness. And however different our stories may be, life has a way of tying us together in this experience.
If we, in ourselves, re-learn the dynamics of social relations and cultivate empathy in our way of life, we will not only strengthen our bonds with those dear to us, but we will begin to see the bigger picture. We will realize that empathy can be an instrument for social transformation.
Listen to inspire social change
I also realized that listening goes beyond personal conversations. There are conversations in society that often go unheard. Every day, there are reported victims of mistreatment, discrimination, abuse and inequality. There are voices that demand changes in political systems to fight climate change, and sadly, even now, to fight for basic human rights. Some of the historically well-known social movements include the Abolitionist, LGBT Rights, and Black Lives Matter movement.
Through listening and keeping an open mind, I am able to be critically aware of these social issues. I understand that those of us who question the need for these social movements may be speaking from a place of comfort. And that right now, it is necessary for these people to speak up.
In these times, we are faced with complex and interconnected challenges. In order to understand poverty, for example, we must look back to its historical context and understand the underlying systems surrounding this issue. And in order to establish social change, we need to learn collaborative action that is rooted in empathy itself.
In his book What Is Your Dangerous Idea?, Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen shares his idea of a radicalized political system centered on empathy. He favors electing politicians who are good and effective listeners as well as collaborators who can target social issues in a multi-faceted approach rather than a principled one.
Furthermore, empathy alone can’t make opposing political parties come to an agreement, but being able to hear opinions from both sides can make way for compromises that lead to viable solutions to social problems.
Takeaway
Empathy only happens when we actively think beyond ourselves and our own concerns. But we must also see that empathy is not favoring one end of the spectrum. We can empathize with those who do not share our beliefs and inform them of our insights in a respectful manner.
The true value of empathy is seen in our capacity to listen and learn from other perspectives to help us attain internal and social awareness. Through listening, mutual respect, and understanding, mass collaboration and social transformation become a strong possibility.
We just have to keep listening.
