I Am Scared of Growing Up
Raw thoughts — from an apprehensive teenager to you
The coming of spring
I should have been in full cheer this spring. The flowers bloomed in all colours around me — red, pink, yellow, blue, you name it. A breeze blew with the tingling scent of the month, making the weather pleasant. Birds chirped cheerily.
It was the season to outgrow our pasts. The time to morph ourselves as caterpillars change into butterflies.
Why couldn’t I summon any smile? What was wrong?
As a teenager, instead of joining in the chorus of laughs, I sat dejected.
Almost scared.
Everybody talked about the coming changes and the impending growth. The talks didn’t excite me at all. Those thoughts swirled in my head, making it hurt.
Time is an enigma.
It betrays you if you aren’t prepared enough.
Even now, when I close my eyes, I can revisit moments of a decade ago. Yet, I don’t feel comfortable in my gangly limbs at the present. It’s as if everything passed too fast, and I couldn’t delicately capture the moments, extract their juice sufficiently, before they fled away.
Where are the good ol’ days?
When I changed schools, I changed my life
My parents famously refer to this incident as something that flipped my personality upside down — for good or bad, that is on me to decide.
The Year of Destiny, I call it.
In grade six, I switched schools. My neighbourhood also went through significant changes in terms of people.
Previously, I had enjoyed strong friendships and social times. I adored school life. Coming back home, I had amiable faces waiting to play with.
Now, with a fresh set of visages everywhere, I didn’t know what the future held for me.
I gelled in well. Yet deep friendships which sustain one’s years cannot be formed quickly.
For the first two years in school and where I resided, I felt like an outsider. Smiling when required, but unable to set up fierce connections.
Everyone around me noticed how different I had become. My extroverted self turned inward, and the person who used to be at maximum ease with crowds now repulsed conversations with people out of my comfort zone.
The changes had been too abrupt for me.
It would take some years before I would be at ease again.
The last year of school
Again, I arrive at a similar situation.
I have come to love my school, its atmosphere, and the people in it. It is truly my second home.
After a year, I will be off to a college, with a different set of norms and a new milieu. A 180-degree turn. I cannot believe it.
I would be stripped of all those lovely faces I see, all those voices I hear regularly. I would “grow up”. All my childish pleasures would be snatched away, and various responsibilities would fall on my shoulders.
I will have to make major decisions, which will impact me throughout my life.
The Year of Destiny approaches again.
I don’t know what the future holds for me.
As Hamlet says,
“To be, or not to be, that is the question.”
I sit in a comfort zone … I should wake up.
The present
It is raining as I type this. The harsh pattering of the raindrops on the window and the howling of the wind is a comfort to me. The time has come.
I must take flight, whether my heart is ready or not. Life won’t stop for me.
Change is the first norm of life.
I realise there is a lot to experiment with. Both successes and failures will hit me. My objective must be to learn, grow, and transform.
Maybe adulthood isn’t as bad as it seems. Maybe it will give me a pleasant surprise. Maybe I should embrace whatever would occur with a big smile.
Life can be beautiful.
Adapting to the flow of events is wiser than resisting what time brings.
I am not scared anymore; I am eager.
My first Year of Destiny changed me to my satisfaction.
There are miles to go, but I enjoy the present as I work. It’s a time to shed what’s holding me back and launch myself with the puffs of the dandelion.
As the butterflies flutter around, spring doesn’t seem all that bad now.
You can subscribe to my free newsletter if you enjoyed this post. Thank you.
