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I Don’t Understand Forgiveness
I think the definition is all wrong
My parents did some pretty terrible things to my sister and me when we were children, and even after we grew up before we understood, we could cut the strings that tied us to them. Neither of us has spoken to them in many years, and I don’t think about them very often, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never forgiven them.
That’s not healthy. That’s not good for you. You should let go and move on.
These are things people have said to me over the years, and they’re the root of all professional advice about forgiveness. I still don’t understand the concept.
According to Merriam-Webster, forgiveness means “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).”
Oxford Languages says you “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”.
Here’s the part I don’t understand: you’re supposed to stop feeling. Of course, no one expects you to stop feeling negative emotions overnight, and everyone tells you that these things take time and conscious effort. But why do you have to let go of your feelings?
Feelings are feelings, and we have little conscious control over when and how they pop up. What we can control is how we react to them. We control what we do with those…