I Wouldn’t Trade My Year of Writer’s Block For These Lessons Learned
The struggle can be an upward spiral
Life is an upward spiral that allows for repetition of the same challenges and experiences until I learn the thing I am supposed to learn.
Writer’s block may be one of those repeated challenges for me. But I am ascending the spiral by having let myself take a hiatus this year.
This year was less about indoor introspection and more about having fun in the outdoors. I am proud of this. I would not trade my writer’s block for the lessons learned through physical movement. So I thank my writer’s block for giving me space to experiment and enjoy myself. Here is what I learned. It has been a year of firsts!
Let the authentic self lead
2023 was the first time I made a career decision based on my intuition. I decided to quit emergency room nursing and pursue a path in research. Every position I have worked in, up until the beginning of this year, went against my softer nature. Fast-paced customer service jobs drained me. I suffered from chronic fatigue because I was constantly changing myself for others.
I applied for a job that aligned more with who I am internally, someone who needs quiet room to think. Ten months later I happen to still like my current research position and feel content with where I’m at. The lesson I learned from making this change is to let my authentic self lead.
Making this choice in favor of myself increased my competence to care and value my own needs. This act of self-care and self-identification rippled into many other areas of my life. It allowed me to take actions that aligned with not only my need for slow, methodical, work but also time to create.
One way I exercised my need for creativity was by purchasing a DSLR camera and taking my first international solo trip to Iceland. Valuing my own needs helped me to really open the aperture on the here and now and cherish the present.
Not every day will shake me to my core quite like Iceland did. This trip destabilized me in the best way and reminded me of my own impermanence. I have never felt more on planet earth than I did visiting this country. And when I’m having a tough time it helps to close my eyes and picture one of the best mornings I experienced on this trip.
I wrote on November 23, 2023 —
“I see the long infinite roads spiraling into the west, my car revving through a rocky marshland, to then walking on what feels like the moon. My air-pods are blaring Wait by M83 and I feel the wind and rain carving out a space within me where possibility thrives. I see the white wagtails knitting a path, back and forth between two mossy runes, waterfalls cascading from their canyon thrones, and I have sealed in the distance — have gotten up very close to the thing I want.”
Let go of false control
There were times this year I went in circles, struggling to convey a sense of authenticity. There were also times I went in circles trying to control the external world around me. This type of false control presented in a few ways.
For me, false control was fixating on love unrequited. But I learned this year that unrequited love might just be happening for me. And if I let the pain move through me I am met with clarity on the other side. By letting go of the people, places, and circumstances, that aren’t aligning with my timeline, I invite the people, places, and circumstances that will.
False control for most of my life has been my general avoidance of situations where failure was a possibility — which is essentially most if not all situations :’). If I wasn’t going to be number one on the first go at something I wouldn’t fully commit.
Rock climbing is a new hobby I took up this year and it completely changed the way I view the fear of failure. As a new climber, I have encountered many forms of fear I didn’t even know existed. Obviously, there is the fear of heights and social embarrassment, but there is also the fear that if I fail at my first go, this will upset my plan for the future. What if I am never able to achieve what I envision for myself?
In order to progress in this sport I really had to give up control of the outcome and understand that self-worth and performance are two completely unrelated things. I had to move the gauge of success not towards completion of the route but towards smaller wins. This involved replacing self-destructive scripts with an inner dialogue that sounds like this:
“Oh… it’s actually a heel hook and dropped knee that allows me to get to the next handhold.” Or, “I felt like I kept tension longer on this overhang. I felt stronger during that ascent.”
If I fell off a route someone else completed, instead of wasting time with negative self-talk, I learned to analyze what my partner’s attempt worked and what would I implement next time. Reading the routes and analyzing movement suddenly became fun. This was an opportunity to bring people together and problem-solve as a group.
Rock climbing has been one of the greatest joys I found this year. It introduced me to an amazing community of people, taught me to embrace variety, attempt routes outside of my zone of comfort, and mount the starting hold with the mindset of, “we’ll see what happens!”
I think when we approach life with this attitude we model for others what our definition of success is— that being the best is not a prerequisite for trying something new — something that could actually be fun, even if we fall! So it is best to let go of the outcome.
I am grateful for all the activities I have stumbled upon this year — exploring Iceland and attempting to send a 5.11b outdoors. It is more than just sweating, breathing, and pushing energy throughout the body. I am connected to the flow of life.
Spending time in motion quelled many of my anxieties. Still, as I wrap up this year I am running into many of the same challenges and fears. However reflecting on these lessons shows me that I will continue to spiral upwards, perhaps visiting the same issues but gaining a different perspective.
Let the mind meet the soul
I’d like to end this 2023 recap with Rikki, my favorite yoga instructor. He has this deep soulfulness about him but comes off so casual about it. While on the mat he has taught me so much through his meditations and stories. When faced with the same frustrating challenges I now like to anchor myself with this message:
Rikki says,
“The mind is inpatient and sometimes moves faster than the soul.
The mind is temporary.
The soul is eternal.
Let the mind meet the soul.
Let the temporary meet the eternal.”
