Is There a Speed Bump On This Road, Please?
Is this a Time Warp?
What the hell is going on here? I have 13 days until I retire for good and things should be starting to pan out and slow down, like coming to the end of a river as it flows into a delta or a Gulf or some kind of water park, even.
On the verge of becoming a permanent memory to the rest of the world, I just don’t think I should be this crazy busy! I swear, time has been compressed to where the last 6 months have been squeezed into that last 2 weeks! So just…just…stop it!!
I actually had to put a tie on today and those evil bastards who pay me actually MADE ME WORK! Seriously?! Do any of you know how hard it is, now that I’m less than two weeks from retirement, for me to concentrate enough to do anything for longer than 5 seconds?
I’m wearing loafers now because I can’t stay focused long enough to tie my own shoes. My shirts are misbuttoned now because I just choose not to give a good God damn!
Oh, and after reading about the various stages of mental phases I’m supposed to pass through before and after retirement, why the hell didn’t anybody point out that the entire spectrum of my moods are on speed dial, ready for instant replay at a moment’s notice?
Today, for instance, I woke up — something I’m always thankful for — but I knew right away something was amiss.
I went to the kitchen to make my coffee and to feed the cat. The cat hadn’t come up for breakfast right away the way he usually does. My response? “Good! I hope that little bastard’s dead!”
Whoa! Where did THIS come from? The cat eventually came into the kitchen and I fed him so that bump in the road was behind me.
Then my wife came out to the kitchen and asked me, “How did you sleep?” She was obviously irritated because I have this annoying habit of flushing the toilet several more times than I need to(which I did this morning) as a venting of excess rage to relieve any peevish snit I’m in. (You laugh but it’s safer than pounding fists into walls.)
And I was obviously in a foul mood this morning as I replied, “What do you care? You were dead to the world all night! I WATCHED you, impervious to my suffering, Wide Awake! Wallowing in your ignorant somnolent Bliss! All night long!”
She’s been married to me long enough to not really care what I say in the mornings so she got her own coffee and opened the paper to the comics. There are mornings she can find more stimulating conversation with those cartoon thingies than with me, and this was one of those mornings. I had a pretty good idea this was not going to be a day where I was going to be my “best self.”
I am not usually one to begrudge anybody their fortunes in life. But today? Oh, no! EVERYTHING was going to be “Your Fault!!”
I was sitting at the stop light on my way to work when some thirty year-old snot with three hairs over his upper lip pulled up next to me in a new Audi A7 (my Dream Car!) The sight of him in my Deam Car drove me wild! Me: “Enjoy it now, you Little Shit before they throw your obvious Drug-Dealing, Audi-Loving happy ass in prison to film that final episode of “Bubba Takes a Wife!”
I stopped for coffee at Dunkin Donuts Drive-Thru and some perky, really friendly teenage girl gave me my coffee with a warm smile and cheerfully-very cheerfully- told me to, “Have a GREEAAT Day!”
If I hadn’t forgotten to take my pain pills this morning, I’d have probably gotten out of my car and beaten her unconscious with my cane.
Coming into the office building where I work, some sweet young thing held the door FOR ME! You know, like I’m that decrepit Old Fart! And this is the type of pretty young girl 50 years ago I’d have stood to give her my seat on the bus or subway and maybe have gotten lucky, right? Me: “Your long thin legs are gonna be just killin’ you 20 years from now, Cupcake! Your knobby knees are pain-cracking TOAST! I can tell already!” (At least I only thought that and didn’t say it out loud.)
Oh, and when I walked into my office, my secretary cheerfully reminded me, “They’re waiting for you upstairs to participate in those interviews for your replacement candidates in 10 minutes. Here’s the resumes and the questions you’ll be asking. Purr. . .”
My body’s not cold yet and they’re already throwing the dirt in the. . .?
“No! I have to SLOW DOWN!! Take a breath, Terry! You simply don’t have the energy to kill EVERYBODY you meet today!”
And for some reason, my telling myself that actually worked! So by the time I arrived for the interviews, I was calm, almost pleasant (I mean, for me! -We’re talking reality here) and I was in a much better mood.
I have never experienced the intensity of emotions like this before my “retirement realization” started kicking into gear. I’ve read about going through periods of different mood swings before and after retirement, but nobody warned me of them all happening within a 4 hours span of time!
So now, with less than two weeks before I retire and I’m on a roller coaster of highs and lows. Joy. Sadness. Regret. Expectations. Hope. (Oh, God, yes, Hope!) And not a small amount of angst.
And while I can understand the whole gamut of emotions that are coming at me, I just want them all to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n! Please! Whew! I’m better now.
Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings, eh?
