I’ve Been Without Alcohol for 28 Days
And if I’m being honest, I miss it
Monday through Thursday, I don’t think about it at all. I don’t crave it, I don’t dream about it, or even consider it. But come Friday afternoon, I find myself longing for a cocktail (or two or three) to help me decompress. I’ve had moments of sadness when I enter the weekend only to realize I cannot consume a glass of wine while taking a bath.
I don’t consider myself someone who drinks in excess. I normally have 2–3 cocktails per day on the weekends, and I rarely drink during the week. I don’t get drunk, nor do I experience hangovers. But I’ve had a nagging feeling for months that I needed to give up alcohol. I made a sobriety attempt several months back, and I gave up after a few days deciding it would be fine if I simply limited my use. I’ve previously gone months without consuming alcohol with no problem, and my resistance to this month of sobriety has been surprising.
My relationship with alcohol is complex. My biological father is an alcoholic, and I have known since I took my first sip that this could be the thing that destroyed me if I give it the power to do so. I genuinely enjoy the taste of the alcohol I choose to consume. If I don’t like a certain type of liquor, I don’t drink it. I don’t consume alcohol solely for the effect is has on my body and mind. For years I have thought it beneficial that I don’t drink to get drunk. I thought this would be enough to keep me safe from the substance that grabs a hold of so many.
Alcohol is interesting in that it gives the illusion of relaxation. In reality, it creates adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) in the body. It literally has the opposite effect of what so many of us hope to achieve. Despite having this knowledge, I still seek it out as a means of getting my mind to shut off.
I told my life coach that drinking is the only way I know to achieve true relaxation. I’ve tried anti-anxiety medication, grounding techniques, and other coping skills. Alcohol has been the only thing to take the edge off. Yet after 28 days without it, I appreciate that my sleep at night is not riddled with anxiety. I like that I don’t wake in the middle of the night parched. Despite these benefits, I also haven’t had anything miraculous happen as the result of my hiatus.
I haven’t lost weight. My skin isn’t glowing. I still have cravings for it. My anxiety is still as present as ever. And I intend to drink again. But I also think this is the thing I needed to do. To prove to myself that I still enjoy my life just as much, if not more, sober as I do when buzzed. My life still feels insanely good the majority of the time. I don’t need alcohol to be affectionate with my boyfriend. I don’t need alcohol to get lost in a good book. I don’t need alcohol to like myself the way I used to.
I’m not certain how this relationship with alcohol will end. I know right now that I plan to consume alcohol at the beginning of next month when my scheduled hiatus is over. But I sometimes find myself thinking about the day I finally cut this poison from my life forever. Despite its normalization in our society, there’s a part of me that believes I would be better without it. Although I’m not entirely sure why. There’s also a part of me that wants to stop giving a fuck about how much alcohol I consume. I don’t want to be careless. I just don’t want to keep worrying about it.
I know the fact that I wrestle with my relationship with alcohol as much as I do is an indicator that this is an unhealthy relationship. I’ve read books on sobriety, and I’ve followed sober individuals on and off for years. When I listen to the experiences that ultimately led to their decision to pursue sobriety, I see myself. It resonates when they talk about the voice in their head telling them they needed to pursue a more connected life.
I’m not yet at the point of giving up this substance forever. I don’t think I’ll need to hit rock bottom to make this change. But I think I’m also waiting for the harms to outweigh the benefits. Right now, I don’t see multiple harms: There’s just a nagging voice in my head telling me there’s something more here. I’ll figure it out. But for today, I’m 28 days without alcohol. And I think that’s worth celebrating (with a non-alcoholic beverage, of course).
