Saying No to My December Despair
How I am creating hope this holiday season
I have never seen myself as a pessimist. But the weight of these winter months and the pressures of holiday gatherings have forced me to look inward. You could say I’ve been scrooge-like.
December has been a challenging month, what feels like a dead end after a long tumultuous year. I have not felt deserving of December, that I belong in its cookie cutter catalogue of family and gift-giving, and that I could ever do December justice.
This Christmas season my apathy is more pronounced than it ever has been. Perhaps it is due to working the entirety of the holiday week and my birthday. Even though I knew this would be the case going into healthcare, it is still disheartening.
You see, I tend to set very high expectations for myself which can be very troublesome. I start wishing for things that are beyond my control. And I will spare the list as I only mean to illustrate how I generally have been.
What is more important to know is how I am now choosing to show up for myself throughout the rest of December. The little ways I am creating hope this season — they all count!
Nu-Go Bars
These are the cheapest health bars I’ve found at the store. They taste hella good and I have decided to make them my holiday staple. December is busy. I’m on the go. So whenever I remember to pack my work bag with this mint chocolate goodness I am pleasantly surprised. This is my equivalent to all the Christmas treats I can never eat due to my horrendous egg allergy. Bottom line —
Make it easy. Make it work for you.
Dollar Sweaters
I can say with certainty that the dollar rack at Arizona Trading Company is the greatest thing to ever exist. December is expensive due to things like gift spending, longer commutes, and a spike in electric bills. So when I know clothing can cost a single dollar I am ecstatic about this. The $1 clothing rack becomes a fun game where I try to fill my winter wardrobe with the most eclectic fabrics I can find.
Feel stylish while saving money and your sanity.
Morning Routine
So I work night shift which means my circadian rhythm is constantly confused. Whether I stay awake on my days off or sleep the day away has become an exciting game of coin toss.
This morning I found myself awake between the hours of 0100- 0900. The morning began by waking to a spider on my kitchen counter, screaming, and jumping on my bed! Just comes to show that no morning can be perfect. Mine are typically unplanned.
Perhaps a spider visitation is truthfully what I needed to wake up. And I sure made the most of it:
- Killed the spider (0100- 0120)
- Made coffee and oatmeal
- Listened to What Your Wrong About Podcast (Ty Warner is such a weirdo)
- Read 30 pages of a Paul Bloom book
- Put on an outfit that says I think I’m a writer (it is from the $1 rack)
- Edited a poem and continued my descent into sleep deprivation and creative depths
Find your own pocket of time, move around in it, and enjoy it.
Traditions
This is the first year I am unable to attend Christmas with my family. Though I’ve been feeling down about it I was advised to start creating my own holiday traditions. So I bought a $20 Christmas tree from Target. It may just be a 3 ft. piece of evergreen plastic but I enjoy marveling at it. As time goes on maybe my tradition will grow and mature into something that is one day shared with others.
All traditions start with someone, why not let it begin with you?
Creative Non-Fiction Subscription
Creating hope is taking the first step towards something. It’s dipping your toes in the water and getting a sense for how things could feel. And as time goes on you become more accustomed to this feeling and are able to welcome challenges which are necessary to achieve whatever it is you want.
For the past two months I was debating whether or not I should sign up for a creative writing course through the literary journal, Creative non-fiction. It’s a 10-week boot camp that explores the fundamentals of writing non-fiction and offers feedback from professional writers. For weeks I kept the website tab open on my screen and would peruse it whenever I was online. Eventually I took the plunge and signed up for the course.
I think signing up for this course will be a great way to transition into the new year. My goal is to simply learn more about my own writing style and what types of subjects I like to write most about. In the end I think this will give me more of a weekly structure and will be a nice reprieve from my nursing job.
Allow yourself to subscribe or splurge on something that excites you.
Mantra
I think one of the main struggles that has come up for me this holiday season is learning how to affirm my single lifestyle. I have felt unable to meet society’s expectations of how one should spend their Christmas. However, I recently read this mantra from one of my favorite advice columns, and it has helped me reframe the way I see myself in relation to all these cultural norms.
“…find a way to avoid seeing the mass of other people’s choices as the behemoth that speaks on the worthiness of your own decisions, and to start seeing it as simply a sum of people you are not.” — Eleanor Gordon Smith, The Gaurdian
Overall, I may not be spending copious amounts of time with family this year, or kissing anyone under the mistletoe, but I sure am finding ways to create hope and traditions that I find meaningful.
Thanks for reading and for being here ❤
-Sofia
