LIFE + MEMOIR
Silence Is The Heart Of My Life
Through the good and bad, it stands by me, at all times
I’m sitting alone in a seat. Just by myself. The sun shines heavily on my face (I’m probably going to end up with a great tan) as the bus drives on taking me closer to home.
Having just written an exam, the silence surrounding me sounds peaceful. With an earphone plugged in, my mind drifts away into a flurry of thoughts— a look into myself.
I have a complex personality.
I’m an introverted extrovert if that makes any sense. Spend two weeks with me and you will see I alternate between bouts of utter silence and nonstop talking.
If your vibe matches with me, then you are not getting anywhere away from me.
If you want to talk, go ahead, I’m a great listener. If you want me to talk, then fine, you asked for it, I’m going to give back a triple of it.
But if someone is going to go round and round about how horrible life is, I will most respectfully shut my ears or walk out of the place (typically run away).
If a person wants support and understanding, I’m willing to help and be with them. But there are a few for whom using curse words and complaining is a way of venting out stress.
There are people for whom going around saying “Please kill me… this subject is horrible… my brain is dumb” actually helps them study more! Weirdly effective I must say.
If it helps them, great. Good for them. But honestly, it’s hands down hazardous for the person on the receiving end. And I don’t want to be on the receiving end. I mean… it’s hazardous.
I like to have a fun life.
And complaining does not seem to go with fun. Engineering physics already makes me complain so much and I try to avoid it as much as I can.
Complaining about life makes no sense when I could rather be doing something more fun!
But sometimes, when you want to have a unique life — a life and thoughts different from what others are having — you feel isolated.
Like-minded people naturally tend to group together.
But the point is, what if you are the only one like you?
Well, you are a unique one then.
To be a part of a group, you are expected to be a certain way. To be a part of literally anything, you have to meet up with some expectations. At one point, it gets super annoying.
You don’t binge-watch? Then there’s nothing interesting with you.
You love to read books? Then you are weird.
You don’t want to waste time? Do you think you are the Queen of England? Are you that busy?
This is the way it is. And every time I’m tempted to answer, “I’m definitely not the Queen of England but I just might be the Grand Nerdy Super Interesting Princess Of The World!” You can’t blame me, can you?
I grew up as a complete introvert.
For the first 12 years of my life, I preferred my own company. The silence never felt lonely. It rather was a huge blanket of comfort. Apparently, I never talked in school. Even if by some miracle I opened my mouth, nobody was able to hear my voice. Was it me or was it their amazing listening capacity, I never know.
A person’s silence is very often mistaken for being naive.
Later when people eventually start seeing that I really am the ‘Grand Nerdy Super Interesting Princess Of The World’, they give me a new label. The ‘silent killer’.
I can’t for the life of me understand how being fit and smart — they said it, not me! — says I’m a killer.
But ya, that was a title I wore a bit too proudly in my school years.
All this made me think,
Am I not being a good friend?
Am I too silent?
Am I not interesting?
Should I change myself?
But changing myself to meet with some random expectations just to feel included was never an option.
It was too temporary a way to feel happy.
The few people I let inside my world and who let me inside their world made me feel included and loved enough to last for millions of lifetimes.
After all, it isn’t about the number of random relationships we have. It’s about the quality of those relationships.
Have you ever felt like a single black spot on a white paper?
I have. Multiple times. Not as a bad thing but because as an artist I love black and I love it more if I represent its beauty.
Being different is difficult in this world where everybody is trying to fit in somewhere. The uncertainty that comes with being unique is huge but when we understand what really makes us unique, that is when the real fun in life begins.
This life isn’t for fitting into a box that every random person builds for us. It’s to be free. It’s to rise and fly like a phoenix!
Silence is a power of mine. And I have learned over the years that it’s not boring. People do want to spend time with a person who is willing to just stop for a moment and listen to what they have to say.
People do want to know about you even if you are silent. They do respect the way you are and your interests. They do find your hobbies interesting even if they hate doing them.
And it is those people I want to befriend.
Not ones who expect me to be someone I’m not.
The bus will soon be reaching my stop. This silence will soon end because the second I see my mom, my mouth will fly like a jet.
But I will come back to it.
To the peace of no opinions surrounding me.
To the peace of having these flurry of thoughts.
To the peace of living in a whole new world.
I will come back to it.
Because silence is definitely the heart of my life! :)
