The Hard Lessons of Infidelity
Some things you learn only when you experience them yourself
Coming of age is an odd experience. One moment you are a free-spirited teenager and another, BANG, you are an adult.
What separates the two? Besides the obvious factor of age, there are a few other factors that differentiate teens from adults. That is:
Self-awareness, self-control and a sense of responsibility.
I was a happy kid but somewhat of an angry teenager. Most of the anger sprung from the knowledge that my father had been cheating on my mother. He didn’t try to hide it much. My response, naturally, was purely emotional. I hated his guts. Nonetheless, the apple sometimes doesn’t fall as far from the tree as it would like to.
Being 15 I started dating a girl. Let’s call her Jane. She was my first love.
Jane was charming, attractive and fun to be with. Both of us didn’t have much guidance when it comes to relationships. We did all the mistakes that the youth growing up with TV series such as Gossip Girl or Vampire Diaries would do. Unfortunately, some of them went too far.
After a mutual friend of ours informed me that Jane was making out with other boys in some house parties I was incensed. ‘How dare she?’ I thought furiously. Having this knowledge, I decided that now I have the liberty to do the same. Whenever there was an opportunity, I didn’t second guess myself. I guess, that’s how the immature teen-mind works.
I didn’t use to go over the boundaries. In my mind, I was just returning the favor. Still, when you start playing with fire it inevitably burns you. A day came when I overstepped my predisposed boundaries and did what I was not supposed to do. I gave into lust and slept with someone else. Then I knew:
The bird is out of the cage and there is no way of getting it back.
My guilt-free ticket was not guilt-free at all. I was plagued by remorse for years to come.
Five years have passed and after a few fleeting relationships, another girl entered my life. She didn’t know Jean, but in a way, she returned her favor. Let’s call this girl Meg. Meg was a red-headed, adventurous, grunge-loving raver. I, on the other hand, was an all-knowing, self-absorbed psychonaut with a messiah complex. A good duo, wouldn’t you say?
I remember the first time I looked into that girl’s eyes and thought, ‘Man, this girl spells trouble.’ I went with it anyways. Seems that the stupidity of my early adulthood followed the foolishness of my teens.
Meg told me that her parents had kicked her out of their house. I, being too malleable for my own sake, took her in. Three months later we were renting a flat together with a few of our mutual acquaintances.
In those days, we were not earning a lot. Some of us were hopping from job to job at times not working at all. Yet, I had some savings and on multiple occasions volunteered to cover the bills. Nevertheless, as time went on I got tired of being the house’s patreon and felt fatigued from the lifestyle that we involved ourselves in. The drama, the emotional turmoil, the excessive partying — my mind and body were taking a beating that I didn’t want.
Thus, I decided to leave and end the relationship.
After making this decision I again felt light and free. It was as though a psychotic phase was lifted off my shoulders. A new chapter was opening up.
Nonetheless, a few weeks later a friend of mine asked me whether I knew that Meg had been cheating on me with our flatmate.
I didn’t. The news hit me right in the stomach.
I felt pissed. Pissed at Meg, pissed at our flatmate, and most of all, pissed at myself. How much more stupid could I have been? My ego was shattered and it took at least a few years to get it back in shape. I mean, I got cheated not just by my other half but by a ‘friend’ as well. Still, looking back at this event and the lows that came with it, I can see a great teaching — a teaching that in part led me to who I am today. The first lesson that came from that was the understanding that…
What goes around comes around
In other words, don’t do to others that which you don’t want to be done to yourself (even if you hate the other’s guts). Doesn’t matter if you are a teenager or an adult, your actions bear weight and have significant outcomes. There are no guilt-free tickets in life. If you choose to be unfaithful (given that you have at least a drop of empathy) you will feel guilt and remorse, which will lead you to do silly things in the future to redeem yourself. This leads to my second point.
Being saved is not always what the other wants.
Sometimes it’s just what a person acts out in order to exploit you. No one can save you from your own self but you. Thus, one has to be very wary of what other people say, for it is not always sincere. The body language, the tone, the micro-expressions — those little things give the liars away. Trust your gut. At times it’s the only compass that you have. If you feel like someone is not being truthful with you, there’s a high probability that that is the case. Nonetheless, if you decide to ignore this feeling… Well, the joke’s on you.
Pain makes people smarter. You don’t have to seek it. It will find you if you aren’t smart enough to learn otherwise. In my late teens and early 20s, I certainly wasn’t.
Now, I am grateful for what I have gone through. It’s definitely one of those blessings in disguise types that taught me how to be and relate with others better. Maybe having gone through infidelity from both sides of the fence early on in life has already taught me what I have to know. Having had a smooth and happy relationship for the past 5 years, it certainly feels like it did.
Let’s hope no more tests of this nature will be necessary. Let’s hope we can live with good faith and integrity.
Thanks for reading!
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