The Older I Grow, The More Scared I Get
From embracing spontaneity to living life with fear
Two weeks ago, I boarded a plane for my first flight since February 2020. This was a short flight — barely an hour long. And that hour was long enough for me to confront something I had been denying for the past year.
I’m terrified of the unknown.
It was strange. Three years ago, I wasn’t fearless and I embraced spontaneity. The unpredictability of life meant exciting opportunities. I said ‘yes’ to that amazing job opportunity, ‘yes’ to a date with a near stranger, and ‘yes’ to traveling alone to a conference in a so-called dangerous location.
So what changed?
Over the past three years, I’ve witnessed how unpredictable loss can be. I hate that my growing older means my family ages too. I hate that so many deaths have occurred. And I hate how grief has become an everyday occurrence.
To an extent, I think I was privileged. I hadn’t faced extreme loss before 2020 and that let me stay in my bubble. Now, I’ve seen the before, the during, and the after — and it is terrifying.
Throughout my life, I’ve loved airports. The buzzing crowds, the feeling of chaos and excitement, and the constant roar of planes taking off and landing. I loved observing people rushing from gate to gate, slowly browsing the stores, or even yawning, waiting in line for coffee. The sight was beautiful, and the noise was a symphony to my ears — a reminder that the world was full of possibilities waiting to be explored.
Two weeks ago, all I felt was dread. Thoughts of plane crashes or sudden disappearances raced in my mind. Struck by the stark contrast in my airport experiences, I had to accept that I was growing more fearful with age.
This was a combination of a few things:
- I had more to lose now than ever before
- I witnessed sudden loss
- The online spaces I actively engaged in were reactive — one-off instances or freak accidents went viral and made me believe they were all the more possible
So what did I do after acknowledging this fear? Honestly, nothing. I boarded the flight and spent the next hour chatting with my grandparents.
What can I do? I can’t predict the future or control the universe. All I can do is try to ignore the fear and enjoy life anyway. So that’s what I do. I travel, even though it scares me. I try new things, even though they might not work out. I take risks, even though I know they might lead to failure.
Because, at the end of the day, life is unpredictable. We can’t control everything that happens to us. But we can control how we react to it. So even though I’m scared, I choose to live my life anyway. Because the alternative is to let fear control me, and I refuse to do that.
Strangely, being scared made me appreciate life even more. Rather than spending a flight with headphones on, I chatted with my family. I decided to appreciate the small moments because you never know when those moments may end.
I’m cautious, but my fear doesn’t paralyze me or prevent me from enjoying life. Instead, I’ve learned to acknowledge my fears and push through them to savor the beauty and joy that life has to offer.
